I think this is a book title, or a talk, or maybe just a cliche - either way, this phrase has been haunting me for the last few days.
This week I've really been struggling - I couldn't pinpoint why, but today I figured it out... a purpose driven life.
I watch my sweet husband (and seemingly the rest of the world), who is constantly being tested and measured - his life is scheduled and full of deadlines, assignments, interviews and evaluations. This gives him anxiety, which I totally understand, but at least he knows where he stands, what he needs to do and when, and how well he is doing it. He literally and definitively has a purpose. driven. life.
Mine (and every other stay-at-home mom of young children), is the very opposite challenge - My days have a "schedule" with little to no consequences if those appointments are made or kept, I go for months without any sort of deadline or assignment, no one is watching or critiquing or measuring me, I am not evaluated or interviewed or tested.
So I wonder how am I to be measured? Where do I stand? What am I to do and am I doing it well? Is mine a purpose driven life???
In truth, I know it is - and that is why I chose the path I am in, and why 98% of the time I work at it and enjoy it for exactly what it is - the mundane, exciting, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching, joy inspiring, the perpetually tied down and oh-so-free life of a mother. But once in a while, it hits me like a ton of doubt filled bricks... what are you doing with your life?
And I must realize again and again, I am the wind blowing over the dessert rocks, the rain that trickles into the cracks and carries away bits of sand, working everyday to form something amazing. So maybe the grand canyon took more than a childhood to form, but it's the same idea. The work of motherhood is a slow, unmeasured, unprecise work, with delayed results. I know reading with my kids teaches them more than letters and words, I know feeding them nutritious food will keep them healthy and enrich their lives, I know teaching good morals in the home will keep crime levels down, I know creating a safe and loving atmosphere benefits more than just the 4 people living here, I know my job is vital to the formation of a stable and happy society, I know I am a contributor to the universe! But it's difficult to see that when my main daily functions are to restock the fridge, pick up an endless supply of clutter, and be the short attention span entertainer.
The root of my purpose comes from one of my favorite scriptures - 2 Nephi 2:25, it says "...men are, that they might have joy." Scriptural language always has been, always will be a little hard for me and I still remember the day I realized what this scripture means: we exist for the purpose of being happy, having joy. What a simple, liberating, and hopeful purpose.
I was not always a mother, and not everyone is, nor will it consume my days forever. We all have different roles in life, usually one or two that define us most - I have been/am a child, a student, a volunteer, a temp, an office worker, a wife and a mother. But I always have been and always will be... me - I am a child of God and I exist that I might have joy.
That is my purpose, then, now and always - to find joy in this life, in my current role, amid my current challenges, in the place I find myself, with those that surround me.
And that is why 98% of the time I am at peace with my life... because it brings me joy.
14 comments:
I don't know if you are going to get any comments on this post... and I almost missed the Miller Tribe because it was behind the curbside water table post. I think most of your friends will just be blown away, like I am. I think you read the CJane post about the duty to write and realized that when you have a gift like this you need to share it. I am not sure a closed blog is a sufficient outlet, but since I am an invited reader it will do for now. I am basking in the delight of knowing you sweet Christiney. Thanks for taking the time to articulate all these wonderful thoughts. This is a way better use of time than cutting up expensive fabric and sewing it back together partially, to live in a zip-loc for a few years. I can see that a few years of housework and childcare have only sharpened your mind!
Well said Abby! So many gems in this post - what a profound and thought provoking way to start my day. Thank you for posting, I think every stay at home needs to read this. I relate so much to what you said, I see Ryan growing so much from his studies in law school, while I feel like I work so hard to just keep myself together and not become a wreck emotionally. I find myself asking myself that same question in the inner most sanctums of my soul - 'What am I becoming?'
I liked your closing thoughts that 'being me' makes you happy and is okay. The dilemma of feeling enough will probably be something I'm always assessing, maybe my gauge should be how much joy is in my life, instead of is 'what I have become enough?'
Whoops, I knew I was on your blog Christine - yet I wrote Abby! Have a wonderful day! I agree with Aunty K - a closed blog may not be a sufficient platform for these wonderful insights!
Thank you for that Christine. I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings and it is good to know I'm not alone. And thank you for the scripture insight.
With tears in my eyes, all I can say is WOW. Please give serious thought to writing a book.
Oh this is such a fantastic blog! You have a way with words that makes this more of a poem or novel and less like a blog. Love your detailed thoughts- I have shared some of the same. So lets stop worrying about the nonsense and be HAPPY to know who we are right :) You are the BEST and such a great example- I'm so lucky to have you down the street!
One of the best things about having the Internet again is reading your blog. Thanks for all your posts, I have loved them and really really needed this one inparticular. You have a way with words.
Yes, please write a book!
I have totally been feeling this lately. I'm stuck in the mundane moments and I have to work to find the joy in my work. It's not going to be easy with Steve leaving for 3 months and I need to remember how to enjoy my children each day. They really are beauties.
You have a gift with words and I'm glad that you blogged about this. It inspired me. You're the best. And I still miss you.
Oh Geeno that was the best post ever. I cannot even tell you how greatly this same topic has been weighing on my mind lately. You have hit the hammer on the nail for me. I love everything you said. Life truly is about having joy, and being a mother really is the greatest joy but it's so hard to not compare ourselves to others, and to not feel repetitive each day, or that we're making a difference. The other night we were lying in bed and scott said, "Oh what a great day. I woke up early and lifted weights, went to school...did an awesome root canal, did this and that with this patient, took a test, went to young men's, helped a neighbor move, went on a run, etc." I sat there and thought, "Please don't ask me what I did today, PLEASE don't ask me what I did today." as I couldn't think of anything exciting besides cleaning the house, hangin with jane, and taking a shower. I've been thinking ever since about this same topic like crazy. I read an awesome talk from the last confrence session..."LDS women are Incredible". We really are so important in each of our roles and what a gift it is to take care of our children and our husbands, to keep a clean house that the spirit can dwell in, and be there for neighbors and those in need. Heavenly Father's plan really does work out. I love ya.
We should chat more because you always seem to put into words what I am thinking... Love you like crazy.
Well Christiney I vastly underestimated your readership. I agree that was a great post, and I am so glad everyone responds. And guess what - it is a timely topic for retired moms and grandmas as well as moms of the young!
Oops that was your mama, not Laur
Ps I love your new pics of Belèn and Jack
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