letting go

for the past few months i've been falling in love with my jack. he's 18 months old, and is smack in the middle of my favorite stage - even his mischief making is innocent, not malicious or manipulative. he's charming in every way, the cutest copycat in the world- always repeating what we say and do, soft kissable skin, bright eyes and a dandy of a giggle. my sister, who is not afraid of the truth, (one of the many reasons i love her) cleared my conscience the other day when she said, "oh no, you do have a favorite child - it's always your baby. and when you don't have a baby - it changes hourly."

but this focus on my boy has taken a toll on my relationship with my girl. day after day jack gets attention for the frequent milestones he is reaching, but when you're 3 1/2 there are no milestones. Bel has decided the best way for her to get attention is pretend she is 18 months old as well - she scoots and talks like a baby, she cries and whines with great frequency - all of these things drive me crazy and make me want to ignore her, rather than give her attention. and the other day i realized... i've been neglecting my poor girl.

i found myself in the backyard with Bel telling her no and putting her off... again. it was Jack's nap time - a time when I put Bel in front of a movie and do something for me - I was tired and feeling particularly drained and unmotivated and selfish.
this is one of the recurring challenges of motherhood that comes in many forms and is... so very hard for me - the letting go - letting go of my priorities, letting go of my image, letting go letting go of my body (over and over again - for extended periods of time), letting go of control, letting go of my wants and needs, and today, letting go of a few of my issues.

with this realization in mind and my daughter right in front of me, i took a deep breath, i pulled my enthusiasm up from the bottom of my gut, put a smile on my face and i let go.

again, as with every time, it was hard, it was a sacrifice, it was a real physical, mental and emotional effort and - it was so worth it.

pretty soon we were teasing each other, laughing and playing like we haven't in a long time. and it wasn't an effort any more, it was pure, genuine enjoyment, the kind of absolute happiness that bubbles out of you when you are with someone you love, doing exactly what you want to do.

now i found myself basking in one of those moments that are so few, and so fleeting – the moments that will pass by when i am not willing to let go of something else.

this makes me think of Matthew 16:25-26 “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

if I live my days seeking only to save myself from sacrifice and hardship – what do I gain? But when I lose myself in a good cause – my children being the best cause I can think of – that is when I find myself, that is when I learn and grow and gain experience. I pour my heart and soul into my kids and what will I profit if I lose them?

oh how i dread the day when i will have to let go of my toddler - i am her world and she is mine. that is a hardship i will gladly leave for another day.