the scattered pieces of my heart

every time i take a trip to utah i have the same, unusual, emotional experience - a little twinge of sadness leaving my home (ohio, missouri, california) and the life that my growing family and i have there, then, a matter of hours later, on the other end of the trip, a sweeping wave of joy as i come home to the home where i grew up.  

as i go on living life, i continue to understand and feel the depth of the many cliches that float around - they say that home is where the heart is - and that is so true for me.  i have left a little piece of my heart in each of the places that i have called home.  

i can still feel the salty ocean air, hear the busy freeway and smell the strawberries, peppers and onions of the fields of camarillo, california.  I remember those little, beautiful, fancy, basically empty apartments, furnished with only what would fit in our cars and the mattresses we bought from craigslist.  

i wept when we returned to kirksville, missouri for ryan's med school graduation, remembering the roads we walked and rode bikes on, the parks we spent countless hours in, the building where ryan spent countless hours studying, the sandwich and pizza shops we loved, the little home where i struggled with loneliness, the town where i had to relearn how to make friends.

boardman, ohio where we have spent most of our married life, bought our first house, have fallen in love with the tall and abundant trees, where our kids have started school, where we bought a minivan, planted our first garden, and had our first family christmas.

each of these places holds a piece of my heart.  i love them, i love what happened there.  to me, home is where memories are made, relationships are strengthened, lessons are learned, challenges are faced, ugliness is endured and beauty is enjoyed.

each year i try to come back to my childhood home in logan, utah.  when i am lucky enough to arrive during daylight hours this is the view that welcomes me.

it makes my heart go pitter pat.  this is where i have spent most of my life.  this is where i learned to make friends for the first time, where i ran around barefoot all summer, where i explored the foothills with my bestie, learned to start fires, rode my bike with the girls to buy candy at the express mart, where i got my first job, where i learned to love skiing, started liking boys, fell in love with and married the one boy who stood apart from all the rest, where i graduated college, this is where i was a child and also where i became a mother.  a pretty big piece of my heart lies in this valley and its surrounding mountains.  

i love its dry heat, four seasons and variety of outdoor activities - i love the shaved ice, the neighborhoods with sidewalks and the churches on every corner - i love the river, the canyon and the dry brownish, greenish foothills - most of all i love the people, my goodness, how i love the people held safe in the embrace of these mountains.  

when you leave this much of your heart somewhere, you must come back to visit.  and even though i miss my current home in ohio, it's oh so good to be here.