fresh wounds

(just a heads up - this one is a dose of emotionally raw reality)

today is father's day.  Ryan was on call with a junior so we had high hopes that he would be able to answer a few phone calls and hang with us most the day, which means by last night 3 cases were already scheduled in the morning and those were followed by multiple traumas, which just played games with everyone's hearts all day as we waited and hoped that he would come home, hour after hour.  He never did get to see his kids on father's day.

The day climaxed as a hungover-from-too-many-late-summer-nights bel and a hangry, mentally exhausted mom had an argument that escalated into a yelling match - feet were stomped, walls were banged, doors were slammed - I was doing ok, certainly not keeping my cool but keeping my emotions in check, staying in another room as she yelled and yelled at me - she was relentless - and then I let my negative emotions take over and I gave in... I lost it - I screamed in anger and frustration at my daughter.  At first she was startled into silence, then after the shock wore off it was like i had thrown gasoline on a fire and the flames soared even higher and hotter than before.  Immediately regret swept through me - why did i break in that moment of weakness? why???  I felt guilty and sad and like I had betrayed the trust of my child - I am the adult, who should be able to understand emotions enough to regulate them and in that moment I became an out of control child.  It was not good.  I went downstairs, fell to my knees and wept, disappointed in myself, questioning my ability to parent effectively and with love.  I prayed, i went back upstairs and, crying, apologized to my sweet belen. it was too soon - she didn't want to see me, she didn't want to hear "i'm sorry", we did not wipe the slate clean with a tearful embrace.  it hurt.  but i was feeling like an adult again and i realized that she just needed to be heard for a few moments and then sleep off her anger.  tomorrow is a new day and one in which i will not scream at any of my children.