sometimes i spend too much time and effort working for a big payout - a planned activity, an event, a holiday, a vacation - and while i definitely look forward to those kinds of exciting things - I realized today those are not really the things that matter, because life is lived every day, one day at a time and our quality of life depends not on the frequency of our outings, the grandness of our holidays or the exoticness of our vacations but the depth of our enjoyment on a weekday afternoon.
lately, i've been struggling with the maintenance of daily life - i have this perpetual feeling of being behind - i keep thinking that if i just neglect everyone around me for a full day or two, i'll get caught up and be able to go forward as this organized, hyper-functional person who has it all together. Alas, this plan has never worked and I'm trying to come to peace with the fact, that every room in my house will be clean on the same day only on rare, serendipitous occasions not in my control, that there will always be stacks of papers on my desk, clutter on my kitchen counters, dirty laundry in the baskets, leftovers in my fridge that no one wants to eat and things I'd like to do that will likely never get done. There will always be room for me to improve in my parenting, my relationships, the way I fulfill my calling callings, my health, etc, etc, etc, and that's ok, i'll just keep working at all those things and trying to remember that the cleanliness of my home and organization of my life are less important than the well-being of my children.
one thing that i really want my kids to know is that I like them, not only that I love them, not only that they are my greatest responsibility, but also that I actually like them, that of all the dreams i had in life, i chose to pursue having a family and i want them to know that i'm glad i did. i want them to realize that i have responsibilities, obligations and things i have to do and things i want to do and that on a regular basis i choose them over all those other things.
last night i was feeling like i haven't hung out much with my kids lately, today while sage was napping and bel and jack were at school, i made a list of all the things i need to prepare for upcoming holidays and events, fulfill my calling, house projects and things to do to "get it all together" - i felt less overwhelmed with it all out on paper, but then... everyone came home from school and sage awoke and... none of those things got done. instead i felt at peace with the cluttered living room and sunday lesson yet to be prepared and the projects yet to be started or finished, instead i chose blueberry muffins and enjoying the freshly fallen snow.
today we had flurries of snow off an on all day. there is something so exciting about the first snow of the season. we all enjoyed it very much.
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