the cloth from which I was cut

There was a time when I was transitioning from youth to adulthood when I had these strange realizations of all the ways I was turning into my mother - I would say the things she used to say to me, mannerisms, even the sound of her voice.  People would often tell me things like, "wow, you sound just like your mom" or "you are definitely karen's daughter".  At the time I didn't know quite how I felt about it - I was trying to develop my own identity independent from anyone else's, I wasn't old enough to be so much like my mom.  But as my parenting years have continued I have grown to appreciate what a compliment it is to be "just like my mom".

When I was a kid, I was the only person in my family who didn't have dark hair and dark eyes, the only one who didn't like skiing and I felt I was a slightly different flavor than the rest of my family.  I had suspicions that I was adopted.  One day I needed a copy of birth certificate for school, so my mom looked through the files in the study but "couldn't find it"... my suspicions were confirmed.  At that age I couldn't see beyond the differences and that is what I focused on.  I still remember the first time someone told me I looked "just like my dad" - I was baffled - "but he is a man with dark hair, glasses and a mustache!  I am a young, blonde girl unlike him in many ways, how can you possibly think I look like him?"  Now I am an adult (or at least feeling like one more and more all the time) and I hear my mom's voice when I speak, I cook like her and I have her adventurous and independent mothering style - I see my dad's toothy grin in the mirror, I have his inaccurate sense of what can be accomplished in a day and his relentless optimism about life.  My hair has darkened, I have fallen in love with skiing and I feel in so many ways that I am like them - I am able to see beyond the differences and realize with great love - they are the cloth from which I was cut.

The Gordon & Karen Wood Posterity August 2015

fresh wounds

(just a heads up - this one is a dose of emotionally raw reality)

today is father's day.  Ryan was on call with a junior so we had high hopes that he would be able to answer a few phone calls and hang with us most the day, which means by last night 3 cases were already scheduled in the morning and those were followed by multiple traumas, which just played games with everyone's hearts all day as we waited and hoped that he would come home, hour after hour.  He never did get to see his kids on father's day.

The day climaxed as a hungover-from-too-many-late-summer-nights bel and a hangry, mentally exhausted mom had an argument that escalated into a yelling match - feet were stomped, walls were banged, doors were slammed - I was doing ok, certainly not keeping my cool but keeping my emotions in check, staying in another room as she yelled and yelled at me - she was relentless - and then I let my negative emotions take over and I gave in... I lost it - I screamed in anger and frustration at my daughter.  At first she was startled into silence, then after the shock wore off it was like i had thrown gasoline on a fire and the flames soared even higher and hotter than before.  Immediately regret swept through me - why did i break in that moment of weakness? why???  I felt guilty and sad and like I had betrayed the trust of my child - I am the adult, who should be able to understand emotions enough to regulate them and in that moment I became an out of control child.  It was not good.  I went downstairs, fell to my knees and wept, disappointed in myself, questioning my ability to parent effectively and with love.  I prayed, i went back upstairs and, crying, apologized to my sweet belen. it was too soon - she didn't want to see me, she didn't want to hear "i'm sorry", we did not wipe the slate clean with a tearful embrace.  it hurt.  but i was feeling like an adult again and i realized that she just needed to be heard for a few moments and then sleep off her anger.  tomorrow is a new day and one in which i will not scream at any of my children.

an explanation of what follows

this blog has been quite challenging for me, battling between posting to meet expectations and simply including what it is that i sit down and write.  in the recent past writing has been quite therapeutic for me and so on a regular basis i sit down and write something, and for some reason i just leave it unpublished - sometimes it feels unfinished, sometimes i don't have a photo to go with it, sometimes i don't know... but i've decided the reason i have this blog is so i can have a journal.  this is mostly for me and the few loved ones who still stop by to visit.  so tonight i sat down and went through my unpublished drafts and either deleted them or published them and that is what follows - drafts that have sat in the archives and are now free

I want to see

(This draft was dictated into my phone one day - probably summer 2014 or even 2013 - as I was weeding the garden - I remember it was warm and I was sweaty and I heard Sage say "see see see" and this was the thought process it inspired)

Very often these days sage will hear something and she'll say, "see see see". The thought occurred to me the other day that this is what faith is - having a desire to see. Like sage, there's so much I want to see -  i want to see what Ryan does at work, I want to see how my kids act at school. I want to see what the future holds.  I want to see the things I do not understand. But this is what faith is - to continue and to progress in that desire without having to see. I have faith that Ryan does good work, I have faith that bel is kind to the different kids in her class, I have faith that Jack controls his temper at school. I have faith that the future holds good things - though I don't see these things I have faith in them

blueberry muffins and freshly fallen snow

(Draft from 11/14/14)
sometimes i spend too much time and effort working for a big payout - a planned activity, an event, a holiday, a vacation - and while i definitely look forward to those kinds of exciting things - I realized today those are not really the things that matter, because life is lived every day, one day at a time and our quality of life depends not on the frequency of our outings, the grandness of our holidays or the exoticness of our vacations but the depth of our enjoyment on a weekday afternoon.

lately, i've been struggling with the maintenance of daily life - i have this perpetual feeling of being behind - i keep thinking that if i just neglect everyone around me for a full day or two, i'll get caught up and be able to go forward as this organized, hyper-functional person who has it all together.  Alas, this plan has never worked and I'm trying to come to peace with the fact, that every room in my house will be clean on the same day only on rare, serendipitous occasions not in my control, that there will always be stacks of papers on my desk, clutter on my kitchen counters, dirty laundry in the baskets, leftovers in my fridge that no one wants to eat and things I'd like to do that will likely never get done.  There will always be room for me to improve in my parenting, my relationships, the way I fulfill my calling callings, my health, etc, etc, etc, and that's ok, i'll just keep working at all those things and trying to remember that the cleanliness of my home and organization of my life are less important than the well-being of my children.

one thing that i really want my kids to know is that I like them, not only that I love them, not only that they are my greatest responsibility, but also that I actually like them, that of all the dreams i had in life, i chose to pursue having a family and i want them to know that i'm glad i did.  i want them to realize that i have responsibilities, obligations and things i have to do and things i want to do and that on a regular basis i choose them over all those other things.

last night i was feeling like i haven't hung out much with my kids lately, today while sage was napping and bel and jack were at school, i made a list of all the things i need to prepare for upcoming holidays and events, fulfill my calling, house projects and things to do to "get it all together" - i felt less overwhelmed with it all out on paper, but then... everyone came home from school and sage awoke and... none of those things got done.  instead i felt at peace with the cluttered living room and sunday lesson yet to be prepared and the projects yet to be started or finished, instead i chose blueberry muffins and enjoying the freshly fallen snow.

today we had flurries of snow off an on all day.  there is something so exciting about the first snow of the season.  we all enjoyed it very much.

a beautiful way to spend an afternoon

(Draft from April 2014)

It has been a long, cold, snowy winter - and with no skiing to make the season fun, give the cold weather purpose and give our bodies a break from the indoors - it has felt long and cold and snowy.  Now that blessed spring has arrived we are outside, getting fresh air, stretching our legs and using our imaginations afresh and it is magical.

Belen loves fairies right now - is fascinated by the whole idea of fairies.  

The other day she and her friend Morgan made pixie dust for themselves, and for the boys - Jack and Connor - they all ran around the backyard playing with it, sprinkling it over themselves, imagining they could fly and make the flowers grow and all sorts of wonderful things.  In the end there was glitter everywhere, including caked on everyone's scalp in a sparkly glow.  It was hilarious (but only because the glitter came out in the bath so easily).

Today she decided to make wings - I helped her - ok she had the idea and gathered the supplies, then mandated I execute half of the project.  Here she is in her lovely wings.

 flying

After "flying" around the yard for a bit she said to me, "I wish I were a real fairy.  Wouldn't it be cool to be so small and be able to fly and stuff?"  We talked about fairies for a while, imagined what kind she would be, etc.  It reminded me of myself at her age. I loved unicorns - was so fascinated by them, created in my imagination an entire world - Unicorn Land, naturally - and a scenario where I would go through a secret door each night to this wondrous place to frolic with unicorns.  In my mind I can still see the meadow where I would arrive on my flying unicorn, the herd of fantastical beauties there to greet us.  I wished and hoped so deeply that it were real, but knew down deeper that it was not.  I see my Belen having this battle in her mind and heart right now. Last week she said to me, "I think you're the Easter Bunny... aren't you?" A few days later she lost a tooth - front tooth #2...

(it's been a loooong time comin - this one has been loose for 6 weeks and she has favored it and tried her darndest not to wiggle it or let her parents touch it.  then one night she just knocked it with her hand and pop! out it came - it bled and bled - made her teeth all red, she was tough and handled it all by herself)

...as we put it under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy, she started connecting the dots.  That night cuddling she said to me, "you can't be Santa though, right? He's real isn't he?"  

I am so torn!  I don't want lie to my child's face nor force the fantasy, but I also don't want her to grow up, I don't want the entire world of magical creatures, characters and symbols to come crashing down in one fell swoop!  

But I suppose that is the whole point of this principle... life is magical - in all its mundane, day to day reality - life is magical and a child's imagination is a beautiful way to spend an afternoon.  

toddler bel quirks

(Draft from 2011 - woah that's reaching back)

belén says...

"why cuz?" when she's asking why

"mmm, mommy smell this/what does this smell like?/ you smell dat?" i hear a variation of this line approximately 678 times per day - bel insists on smelling everything - i'm not kidding, she is probably less likely to ask me to smell something if it is fragrant - she sticks to the challenging things like walls, clean dishes, plastic bottles, toys, things that you would never bring to your nose and take a whiff - oh it cracks me up

the logistics and bargaining powers of bel are as follows...

us - bel it's time to take your medicine

her - um no, i want to jump on trampoline and play hide and seek then have a treat ok? (or the alternative neverending response where she just rambles on and on thinking that we'll forget what we were actually trying to talk about) - i love seeing her mind work

(This is hilarious to read 4 years later, because this is still her tactic - she is a determined delay fish)