the healing powers of pancake city...

...and a few thoughts on tender mercies.

quite the juxtaposition of thoughts already right? I'm sorry to put yet another warning out there to all of you light readers and blog photo scanners but this is another long one.

I don't know if it's the changing seasons or the pregnancy but I feel compelled to write "corny things in semi public places" (as my sister so aptly put it) so this blog has become my journal lately.

Anyhow - today was one of those days that started out just dandy but took a downward turn and can only be described as a "grrrrrrr day". I won't go into the silly details but I just couldn't make Bel happy, lost my cool and felt crappy about the whole situation. I wanted to deal with this and fix it on my own but I just felt like a bad mom and didn't know what to do to bust out of that rut. After about a minute of feeling sorry for myself and wondering what to do, my sweet honey emerged for a study break and made his girls laugh as only he can. He called me a supermom and reminded me that life is good - What a tender mercy to have a companion who can put his own overwhelming stresses aside to help me deal with my moments of rage and frustration. Then as we had a short family wrestle on the floor, with me wishing Ryan didn't have a massive test in the morning, I got an invitation to join some friends for dinner at Pancake City. I think it goes without saying that they serve breakfast all day, but let me give a little background to why this was such a tender mercy for me. Simply put - I love pancakes. Pancakes are my personal cure all comfort food - if I'm lonely, upset, bored or need a mood boost - I make pancakes. Since my sweet little gal needed my attention and I needed to stop whining, pancake city was the perfect cure for our needs. A special thanks to the mom who listened to the spirit and didn't cook dinner tonight - you never know when you're being an instrument in the God's hands (I guess you know this time)

After a good dose of sugar for dinner the Miller girls were feeling much better. To top off the day and drive the lesson home Heavenly Father blessed me with a tender mercy that will live in my mother's heart forevermore. I turned on some music while I was holding Bel - she didn't miss a beat and started grooving like I've never seen an 18 month old groove before, then she cuddled into my chest laughing and laughing. She'd obviously forgiven and forgotten my unacceptable behavior to her earlier today.

Alma 28:8 says, "And this is the account of Ammon and his brethren, thier journeyings in the land of Nephi, their sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incromprehensible joy". I've read this in the past and wondered what incomprehensible joy feels like - this may seem a little bold, but I feel like I know now. For my scope of understanding, I know what it feels like to me - I could never make someone comprehend the joy I felt this evening as my daughter danced/laughed/cuddled in my arms, just as Ammon and his brothers couldn't adequately record their sufferings and joys - but for the level I am at right now, I am so satisfied. Another important element to this scripture is all the stuff listed before the incomprehensible joy - to attain and earn that incomprehensible joy you must first (and throughout life) journey and suffer and have sorrow and afflictions. When you know the bitter you can more fully comprehend and appreciate the sweet. My best moments as a wife, mother and person are after my worst moments - those are the days I have learned valuable lessons in patience, humility, sacrifice and love - those are the days I make an account of - those are the days I remember.

Introducing

For any of you who I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing or speaking to in the last few months, and all of you who weren’t in the Kirksville Radiology Department this afternoon I’d like to introduce you to the little someone Ryan and I have been lovingly referring to as “the fetus” for the past few months. We can now officially start trying out our list of boy names. So without further ado, here’s little Max/Jack waving his first hello.

And a great profile shot – So far he’s got the same cute, round prenatal facial features as his sister.

And the sweetest little foot – mmm I like feet

Today was a super fantastic day! (And look out here's another long sentimental journal entry post!)

I just love the technology of ultrasounds that allows me to kick back on a sterile hospital bed, have warm jelly squeezed on to my belly and few seconds and a fancy probe later Donna is measuring the length of our son’s appendages, checking the development of his brain and showing us the different chambers of his heart as they steadily beat away, making that sweet little swooshing sound that makes me well up or smile (or both) every time I hear it.
After I stop vomiting and before I get big and uncomfortable, I have a tendency of forgetting or not really believing that I’m pregnant. The ultrasound has a special way of solidifying my child’s existence inside of me - I feel like I meet them and know them a little better after seeing all their parts, watching them move, curl their arms around their faces (both did/do this in the womb) and observe as they try to avoid the squishing and pushing around from the ultrasound tech. It is so crazy cool to me to be able to see this highly developed miniature 6 inch person when I can barely tell he’s in there. So I bless technology for introducing me to my children at such an early stage – it’s nice to check in on how they’re doing inside that fleshy fortress.
In truth we have actually known for about a month that it was a boy (from an ultrasound at our first appt). I was completely ecstatic to find out that we would have one of each flavor of human – simply giddy! But on our drive home, Ryan (the more sensitive spouse), was so serious and so funny at the same time (as only he can be) as he said – “I just can’t get too excited right now… I feel like I’m cheating on Bel.”
As my giddiness has worn off the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about what he meant about our sweetest and only child and how truly special she is to me. She has been a simply splendid companion these past 19 months. She made me a mother and shortly after she was born we moved away from family, friends and familiarity. She and I have spent almost all our hours together just the two of us - day and night, in every season of the year, in every mood and emotion, through two moves and all kinds stages and life changes. There have been a lot of times that I have taken for granted - times when I don’t want to be a mom, times when I think I should be “doing something productive” instead of just cuddling or playing or letting Bel be the boss. And this week it hit me that I need to be like Frederick (my favorite kid’s book) and soak in these moments when it’s just us two, because it won’t be that way for long. I got to gather my thoughts for this blog post while Bel slept on my chest this afternoon - in the $5 DI rocking chair that Ryan gave me for Valentine’s Day 4 years ago, the same rocking chair that Ryan and Bel cuddle in each night while he reads every board book on the shelf before bed. Before I sign off I just have to say – life is good and I’ll just be enjoying it one day at a time whenever I can.