Music Lover

This is jack listening to Ryan play the guitar - he lights up and looks in the direction of the music any time he plays.

The first of many "my dad is my hero" moments

(my apologies for the awful lighting and photo quality - this was one of those times i just had to jump up and capture the moment with what i had)

things change

when i was a kid and we would drive through the salt lake valley with my parents, they loved to point out all the things that had changed in the 20 years since they had lived there, entire swaths of land that were now filled with neighborhoods, businesses and the like. they would show us the houses they grew up in and tell us stories of the people they grew up with.

it hasn't been 20 years but this week me and the kids are on a visit to utah, where i grew up. we usually come back once or twice a year and there are always things that have changed. ned and cindy have 2 new kittens, my parents have painted the upstairs in my childhood home, my friends have shorter hair, longer hair, bigger kids, different jobs, and always there are more houses and businesses in the vacant lots where i used to play.

some changes are sad, some interesting and some don't really matter all that much. it's strange that in my head i imagine and half expect things to be the same each time i return - i hold the same picture of the people and places i love so much. some things i prefer to remember as they once were and other things need to be updated in my mind's eye.

for as long as i can remember, my mom will sit down at the piano each night before going upstairs to bed and "pound out" a few songs. i've always loved hearing her favorite hymns and choice sonatinas tinkle through the bedtime air. tonight as i laid in bed, i heard her start to play a song i had never heard and i couldn't help it - i had to sneak upstairs and watch for a few minutes as she played a different song on her new piano. this was simply one mental picture that had to be updated.

because we can all use a little more honesty

disclaimer :

i know the following is insanely personal (and in all honesty only a glimpse of the way i feel sometimes) but i feel strongly that i should share this. this is not a cry for help nor am i posting this so anyone will feel sorry for me, in fact just the opposite, i want you to be happy that i have these days, because let's be honest - everyone does, they probably just don't blog about it.

some days i feel frumpy or unattractive or dumb or socially incompetent or all of the above. But some days I feel like a bad mom and those are my least favorite days because when i feel like a bad mom it goes straight to my heart and when i look in the mirror it doesn't matter if i'm thin or lovely or a college graduate or charismatic, because when i feel like a bad mom that's when i feel like a failure.

i'm not talking about the days when bel eats too much candy and i watch too much tv or when jack spends the day in the swing because i'm too tired or too busy or too something to play with him - those aren't particularly good days - but the days when i truly feel like a bad mom are the days when i feel raging frustration surge through me at the sound of Bel's 10th breakdown in 2 hours, when i control my emotions as lousily as my tender 2 yr old and hypocritically flip out right back at her or judge her for feeling and/or acting the same way i do. the days when i feel like that cartoon character with the shaking red face and smoke coming out of his ears after i hold my tantrumming daughter down so i can brush her teeth. the days when i dread jack waking up from his naps or, heaven forbid, needing to be held or played with. the days when i feel embarrassed by my toddler's behavior wondering if it's my fault. the days when i feel that a good mom would know why her baby is crying and fix it lovingly and promptly. the days when my patience is short (or nonexistent), my nerves are raw and my emotions are close to the surface. the days when i realize that i'm not as strong and independent as i'd like to be, when i have to admit that i can't do anything alone.

this morning was one of those days. i don't know why i have these days, they are not triggered by anything, they are not created by a formulaic circumstance and they are not predictable, but i have these days... and it's okay. they come to all of us.

my favorite application of this situation is "it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things"(2 nephi 2:11). it doesn't have to be a bad mom day, it can be anything that makes you feel just plain lousy, but like it or not discomfort, sadness, sickness, loneliness and bad (mom) days are all things we need, because without them we wouldn't recognize and enjoy comfort, joy, health, friendship and good (mom) days.

tomorrow is going to be a good day.