disclaimer :
i know the following is insanely personal (and in all honesty only a glimpse of the way i feel sometimes) but i feel strongly that i should share this. this is not a cry for help nor am i posting this so anyone will feel sorry for me, in fact just the opposite, i want you to be happy that i have these days, because let's be honest - everyone does, they probably just don't blog about it.
some days i feel frumpy or unattractive or dumb or socially incompetent or all of the above. But some days I feel like a bad mom and those are my least favorite days because when i feel like a bad mom it goes straight to my heart and when i look in the mirror it doesn't matter if i'm thin or lovely or a college graduate or charismatic, because when i feel like a bad mom that's when i feel like a failure.
i'm not talking about the days when bel eats too much candy and i watch too much tv or when jack spends the day in the swing because i'm too tired or too busy or too something to play with him - those aren't particularly good days - but the days when i truly feel like a bad mom are the days when i feel raging frustration surge through me at the sound of Bel's 10th breakdown in 2 hours, when i control my emotions as lousily as my tender 2 yr old and hypocritically flip out right back at her or judge her for feeling and/or acting the same way i do. the days when i feel like that cartoon character with the shaking red face and smoke coming out of his ears after i hold my tantrumming daughter down so i can brush her teeth. the days when i dread jack waking up from his naps or, heaven forbid, needing to be held or played with. the days when i feel embarrassed by my toddler's behavior wondering if it's my fault. the days when i feel that a good mom would know why her baby is crying and fix it lovingly and promptly. the days when my patience is short (or nonexistent), my nerves are raw and my emotions are close to the surface. the days when i realize that i'm not as strong and independent as i'd like to be, when i have to admit that i can't do anything alone.
this morning was one of those days. i don't know why i have these days, they are not triggered by anything, they are not created by a formulaic circumstance and they are not predictable, but i have these days... and it's okay. they come to all of us.
my favorite application of this situation is "it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things"(2 nephi 2:11). it doesn't have to be a bad mom day, it can be anything that makes you feel just plain lousy, but like it or not discomfort, sadness, sickness, loneliness and bad (mom) days are all things we need, because without them we wouldn't recognize and enjoy comfort, joy, health, friendship and good (mom) days.
tomorrow is going to be a good day.
11 comments:
I know those days too... especially when you haven't had one in a while. You start as I refer to it as 'getting cocky'. Your super human patience power goes out the window. I always feel bad after I have had a blood boiling episode. I can almost feel my hands trembling with frustration. I swear only kids can bring on that feeling.
Sometimes Finn will be whinny and want to be picked up and he will chase me around the apartment crawling while he is crying. A few weeks ago I ignored him for a few minutes and by the end he was just sobbing - crawling back and forth around our apartment. When I picked him up I realized I had tears in my eyes, I felt so bad. That's the worst feeling - when I find myself asking myself "Am I doing this wrong - or the worst Am I creating a monster." I want so much to raise an appreciative kind, unselfish person. But are my techniques back firing - and i've actually spoiled him. (Probably...)
I liked reading your scripture - honestly I hadn't thought about it like that. But it makes me feel better about the idea of having one of those bad days again. I loved reading your thoughts - phew somebody else has days like that too!
You're amazing. I haven't been in the whole blogging world lately, but I had to check in on you tonight and I'm so glad I did because this week I needed to know I'm not the only one that has hard days. You inspire and amaze me and make me laugh and I just wish I could see you! Lets talk about a trip.
xoxo
Why didn't anyone warn us that motherhood could be so frustrating?! Well, maybe they tried to, but we all thought we'd be the exceptions (at least that's what I thought)! Anyway, I am sorry you had a bad day. I think you are an amazing mother - I look up to you in so many ways. If it helps at all, I have days like that a lot- Ivy has started telling me that when I get angry I need to use my inside voice! So sad. I hope you're doing better now - sometimes Ice Cream helps :) And thanks for sharing that scripture, I love that one.
Any time I encounter someone that knows you, you are described as one of the friendliest, smartest and prettiest gals around. I'm not making that up.
I'm sorry you had a rotten day. Tomorrow WILL be better!
I love you Christine! This is one of the reasons that I love you so much-you are honest and true. You are a darn good writer too-exactly how I feel, put into words. I may have to copy and paste this so I have some words to explain my feelings on a future "bad Mom day."
Thanks for the full disclosure. I save those lovely moments for the privacy of my journal. Someday I'll let my kids read through and laugh with them about these days, promising that they'll have some rough days just like I did.
We were at our bishop's house for dinner last night and his wife made a comment about her childrens' behavior. They have 7 kids ranging from 21 down to 5. She said that when things went well (eating, potty training, milestones, good behavior etc) with her children, she would pat herself on the back and congratulate herself for being a good parent. Then came the times when the kids did NOTHING as they were told, wrecked the house, peed their pants etc etc. Those were the times when she lost her cool and felt like a lousy mom. BUT, she said that in the past 10 years or so, she's realized that the way that her kids have turned out has very little to do with anything that she has done with or taught them. That makes me feel good. Some days are hard, and sometimes it's just because you've been blessed with a child who wants to be a stinker (which, of course, we all have).
Love ya Christine! Hope today was good. Miss you tons. - Emily
understand completely! Sometimes I like to jokingly think that when Heavenly Father sends thunder, lightning, hurricanes, etc..he's saying, "I've had it with you kids."
:)
I love how you can put things honestly into words!
The other day I was debating writing a similar post...but I'm gutless. So thank you for saying all that I was afraid to put into words.
Christine. I don't think you had that bad day for you, I think you had that bad day for me so that you could write about it and I would read it. Thank you. Sometimes all you need is to know that you aren't the only bad mom out there. And that since you are one of the most wonderful people I know that it must be okay.
I love your blog, but every time I read it I end up crying.
Christine, you are too great. I love the sincerity of this post. It is nice to know others feel like ripping their hair out when dealing with their kids sometimes.
I mean, not me...I'm just saying. Other people, you know? :)
oh i've had many of those days.
i think feeling like a bad mom is the worst feeling in the world.
i have felt every emotion you described. i loved your post.
and i really do think you are the most beautiful girl and such an awesome mom!
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