last night, i smelled fall in the air and this morning... it was still there. that faint, crisp, smoky freshness that says it's time for soup and sweaters and lovely afternoons. i'm so excited for fall -fall is a good time, a time that reminds me how good and beautiful change can be.
and that's exactly what i needed today... some soup and a reminder that change is a good thing.
today the hormones of pms were grinding on my nerves and on my emotions and on my patience, i enflamed the situation with my own decisions, until i just needed to cry - that's all, just a good cry. so i snuck away to sob into my pillow when my favorite trio of folks came in and found me, thinking i was playing hide and seek - nope - ryan soon figured out i wasn't, but the kids were not so quick. i'm not sure if bel has ever heard me cry like this and i hear her whispering repeatedly, "what happened? what happened? dad, ask her what happened?" jack is talking up a storm these days, not whispering, and i hear him chiming in (as he often does when he hears someone crying) "happen? happen?" (with a long, soft, drawn out a - so sweet). it was all quite hilarious really, but it did interrupt my therapy which meant i continued to leak throughout the day and here's why... my kids are growing up. (despite ryan's constant pleading tease to bel, "bel promise me you'll stop growing up" and her constant cheerful, determined reply, "i will grow up! i'll turn 4 and then 5 and then 6...and then i'll be 10!" today she looked at ryan mercifully and said, "i'll try not to grow up today")
(these experiences today may not seem earth shatteringly tearful, but they both stood out against the day and said "hi mom, i'm learning and changing, isn't it great!" - they are incredibly special and i'm writing them down so i never forget)
bel had a friend's birthday party today. when the present was all wrapped up, she grabbed a marker and told me she was going to write mallory's name. i told her the letters and watched her, laying on her belly, holding a marker, working out each letter as i said it, with no assistance from me, until a reminder on what a Y looks like. aside from a few workbook pages together, i don't even remember teaching her to write letters, and there she was... writing. and i shed a tear or two.
during the party, jack and i went to the library to refill our bag of stories for the week. he stayed relatively close as i picked through the shelves, teasing and giggling as we went, when we got to the wall lined with little chairs, just his size. he climbed up, sat down and with his hand on the seat next to him said, slow, focussed and clear "sit. by. me." and smiled. and then just like his goofy, trickster self... wouldn't let me sit there. i welled up, and then he made me laugh.
so i just need to remember that it's ok to say farewell to some of the characteristics, habits, funny mispronunciations and quirks that my kids are growing out of, just like it's okay to say farewell to the sunshine of summer, because i get to be refreshed by the crisp smokiness of fall and the more grown up charms of my kids as they approach and pass a few milestones, because change is a good thing and some soup, a cozy sweater and a dose of cuddling will make it all a whole lot better.
