seizing the moment

saturday was a lovely fall day here in ohio - it felt like summer - 80's i think. we had a fantastic family day together, which included a local farm's fall festival...

there were donuts involved, as well as farm animals to pet and best of all (according to the kids) throwing stuff in the pond,

a firepit dinner at home...

jack is a complete pyromaniac - he can't get enough.

it was amazing, because all day long we got this guy

(gosh he's handsome!)

ryan is at a point in his school career when he has to make every moment count (several months of moments). he has been pushing and studying and working so hard, i could go on and on about him, but i'll just say i'm so proud of him - he is my hero. he is my hero for seizing so many moments like this one...

ryan has been talking about a sleepover on the trampoline all summer, but it just hasn't ever worked out. on saturday he got called in to the hospital around 7pm, when he got home at 12:37 he woke me up to let me know he was home and that he and bel were going to sleep on the trampoline. on this unseasonably warm october evening (still 63 at midnight - for the record) he decided to seize the moment - he got a giant pile of blankets ready, snuck into bel's room to wake her with a gentle invitation that she simply couldn't resist. when jack woke up in the morning we couldn't wait to head outside and crash the party.

as it turns out - this is one of my all-time favorite family memories. we cuddled against the chill october morning and spent more than an hour talking, giggling and telling stories. occassionally the kids would creep out of the covers to jump and run circles around us and then retreat to the pile of blankets to warm up. it was one of those prolonged moments that i reveled in, disbelieving that these beautiful people around me were really mine. and that's how i feel - they are mine - i can't think of anything i am more invested in, involved in, in love with or connected to. as i watched bel and jack running (in their matching jammies) i saw an invisible string between us - a connection soul to soul - that can't be broken by anything - ever. both of those little ragamuffin bodies were created from pieces of me and pieces of ryan, they grew inside me, reluctantly left me and ever since then we have been pouring the best that is in us - into them. they are a product of their parents and i could see it so clearly in that moment - like the quirks, traits and tendencies they inherited from us were all right there on the surface, their personalities, expressions and humors spilling out for us to see... and it was a beautiful sight.

i know that someday we won't be pouring ourselves into them, we'll be sending them off to fill little vessels of their own, and they'll return now and then for renewing drops. but for now we are their world and even then they will be mine.

creating

i love the creative process. it is one of the most rewarding things i do in my life... create things. i'm not just talking big things like, oh, humans for instance, but anything - i love creating a meal, a blog post, music, an art project with bel, a clean kitchen - ahhhh - it's good for the soul to create - to let our true selves out - the masses of energy, creativity, frustration and emotion that build up inside - out into the world to be seen or heard or felt in some way.

today i sat down at the piano to plink out a new song (a simple one since my sight-reading skills are nearly nil) and after a few times through, the melody started to stand out against the stumbling and i could hear the notes link together into a cheerful, springy message. that was when the joy of creating really sunk in and i felt a thrill rise up inside and bubble out as a super satisfied smile.

and i realized that is my favorite part - when something starts to take shape, it's not finished but it's far enough along that you know it's going to be worthwhile. you feel the satisfaction of getting this far and you see the potential that lies ahead and you're at this lovely spot in creation where it just feels good.

tonight i looked over at the wall to see blue marker all over it right by jack. so i look at him with my mean mom face and using my mean mom voice i ask, "jaaack, did you write on the wall?" (scowl) he looks at the wall... and looks at me... and in his sweet, binky muffled voice says "yep" like it aint no thang. I guess he enjoys creating things too - mostly messes - but i suppose i can't begrudge him that.

(seriously, how could i not laugh my head off instead of get mad - look at this dapper diaper dude!)

fall...and other changes

last night, i smelled fall in the air and this morning... it was still there. that faint, crisp, smoky freshness that says it's time for soup and sweaters and lovely afternoons. i'm so excited for fall -fall is a good time, a time that reminds me how good and beautiful change can be.

and that's exactly what i needed today... some soup and a reminder that change is a good thing.

today the hormones of pms were grinding on my nerves and on my emotions and on my patience, i enflamed the situation with my own decisions, until i just needed to cry - that's all, just a good cry. so i snuck away to sob into my pillow when my favorite trio of folks came in and found me, thinking i was playing hide and seek - nope - ryan soon figured out i wasn't, but the kids were not so quick. i'm not sure if bel has ever heard me cry like this and i hear her whispering repeatedly, "what happened? what happened? dad, ask her what happened?" jack is talking up a storm these days, not whispering, and i hear him chiming in (as he often does when he hears someone crying) "happen? happen?" (with a long, soft, drawn out a - so sweet). it was all quite hilarious really, but it did interrupt my therapy which meant i continued to leak throughout the day and here's why... my kids are growing up. (despite ryan's constant pleading tease to bel, "bel promise me you'll stop growing up" and her constant cheerful, determined reply, "i will grow up! i'll turn 4 and then 5 and then 6...and then i'll be 10!" today she looked at ryan mercifully and said, "i'll try not to grow up today")

(these experiences today may not seem earth shatteringly tearful, but they both stood out against the day and said "hi mom, i'm learning and changing, isn't it great!" - they are incredibly special and i'm writing them down so i never forget)

bel had a friend's birthday party today. when the present was all wrapped up, she grabbed a marker and told me she was going to write mallory's name. i told her the letters and watched her, laying on her belly, holding a marker, working out each letter as i said it, with no assistance from me, until a reminder on what a Y looks like. aside from a few workbook pages together, i don't even remember teaching her to write letters, and there she was... writing. and i shed a tear or two.

during the party, jack and i went to the library to refill our bag of stories for the week. he stayed relatively close as i picked through the shelves, teasing and giggling as we went, when we got to the wall lined with little chairs, just his size. he climbed up, sat down and with his hand on the seat next to him said, slow, focussed and clear "sit. by. me." and smiled. and then just like his goofy, trickster self... wouldn't let me sit there. i welled up, and then he made me laugh.

so i just need to remember that it's ok to say farewell to some of the characteristics, habits, funny mispronunciations and quirks that my kids are growing out of, just like it's okay to say farewell to the sunshine of summer, because i get to be refreshed by the crisp smokiness of fall and the more grown up charms of my kids as they approach and pass a few milestones, because change is a good thing and some soup, a cozy sweater and a dose of cuddling will make it all a whole lot better.

A happy reunion

Me and the kiddos have been busy playing hard in Utah while Ryan has been working hard at home without us. So after four weeks apart it was a happy day when we got greeted by this handsome face...









Kisses and hugs all around (don't worry - I got mine too)

Honestly we can't get enough of this guy! Whenever he comes home or walks into a room, the kids are magnetized to him. They genuinely love their dad and I think it's because he's earned that love with all his hard work and charms - lots of story times, wrestling matches, cuddling, honest expressions of love and sacrificing his agenda for theirs. I know all those things swept me off my feet, and still do.

We had some much needed family time today - it was a blast!











Like I said - magnetized to him. Ry and I even snuck out for a date and when the kids came in the door ...



...there they were again - in his lap.

This really is the good stuff.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

letting go

for the past few months i've been falling in love with my jack. he's 18 months old, and is smack in the middle of my favorite stage - even his mischief making is innocent, not malicious or manipulative. he's charming in every way, the cutest copycat in the world- always repeating what we say and do, soft kissable skin, bright eyes and a dandy of a giggle. my sister, who is not afraid of the truth, (one of the many reasons i love her) cleared my conscience the other day when she said, "oh no, you do have a favorite child - it's always your baby. and when you don't have a baby - it changes hourly."

but this focus on my boy has taken a toll on my relationship with my girl. day after day jack gets attention for the frequent milestones he is reaching, but when you're 3 1/2 there are no milestones. Bel has decided the best way for her to get attention is pretend she is 18 months old as well - she scoots and talks like a baby, she cries and whines with great frequency - all of these things drive me crazy and make me want to ignore her, rather than give her attention. and the other day i realized... i've been neglecting my poor girl.

i found myself in the backyard with Bel telling her no and putting her off... again. it was Jack's nap time - a time when I put Bel in front of a movie and do something for me - I was tired and feeling particularly drained and unmotivated and selfish.
this is one of the recurring challenges of motherhood that comes in many forms and is... so very hard for me - the letting go - letting go of my priorities, letting go of my image, letting go letting go of my body (over and over again - for extended periods of time), letting go of control, letting go of my wants and needs, and today, letting go of a few of my issues.

with this realization in mind and my daughter right in front of me, i took a deep breath, i pulled my enthusiasm up from the bottom of my gut, put a smile on my face and i let go.

again, as with every time, it was hard, it was a sacrifice, it was a real physical, mental and emotional effort and - it was so worth it.

pretty soon we were teasing each other, laughing and playing like we haven't in a long time. and it wasn't an effort any more, it was pure, genuine enjoyment, the kind of absolute happiness that bubbles out of you when you are with someone you love, doing exactly what you want to do.

now i found myself basking in one of those moments that are so few, and so fleeting – the moments that will pass by when i am not willing to let go of something else.

this makes me think of Matthew 16:25-26 “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

if I live my days seeking only to save myself from sacrifice and hardship – what do I gain? But when I lose myself in a good cause – my children being the best cause I can think of – that is when I find myself, that is when I learn and grow and gain experience. I pour my heart and soul into my kids and what will I profit if I lose them?

oh how i dread the day when i will have to let go of my toddler - i am her world and she is mine. that is a hardship i will gladly leave for another day.

my favorite moments

The other day my friend was willing to share one of her talents with me (something I wish I could do far better than I do) - She took photos of my kids and oh how i love them. I couldn't pick favorites so here they are... all of them.

The reason I love them is because they capture my favorite moments, they immortalize the personality traits of my two youngins. Think to yourself how many times in your life you have looked at the face of someone you love, or watched some funny/wonderful/beautiful thing happen and said to yourself - "gosh, i wish i had a camera". that's what these are to me - the daily occurences, facial expressions and moments that pass by me time after time, things i want to remember always - here they are

ok i lied - these last few are my favorites and here's why... in the years to come these photos best capture our current stage of life :

the curious friends

the mischevious scooter

the perpetual flower picker

and last but not least - we three.

my extra appendages

The other night Ryan and I went to see X-Men (gosh we love movies!) It's so good - do yourself a favor and go see it as soon as possible and while you're doing urgent things to increase your happiness - go buy a bag of these chips too.

Be careful, if you eat them while watching X-Men you might think you're in heaven.

That night after the movie I walked into a public bathroom all by myself - I wasn't pushing a stroller or a shopping cart, I didn't have a child on my hip, I wasn't holding my toddler's hand, I wasn't even carrying a purse - honestly I almost felt naked.

It's kind of incredible how the simple things can become such a big deal. This next tid bit might be too much information for some of you (consider yourself warned)... I almost never go to the bathroom alone - yes, my children are that close to me all. the. time. I'm not complaining it's just a factoid about my life right now. My children are like semi-attached (or semi-removable, depending on the day) appendages. We function as one clumsy body working our way from one room of the house to next, to the trampoline, to the car, to the store, to the library, munching on goldfish and fruit, drinking from the same water bottle, we exist together - we three sharing a small circumference of daily life. Always, I am aware of their presence, waiting for the next question, next story, next "look mom", next jabbering crawl up my legs, the next spontaneous hug. I live every hour of the day with and for my sweet extra appendages and our neverending soundtrack.

So that night when I walked into the bathroom all by myself, I felt strange and free - no one to talk to, no one to touch, no one to take care of. I breathed, I did my thing, I washed my hands - it was the most pleasant pee I've had in a long while. (I know, some of you think I'm totally crazy, others... completely understand)

But then my arms felt so useless and bored... my extra appendages, they were far from me and I missed them. (It's amazing what 2 hours can do for your soul.)