a beautiful way to spend an afternoon

(Draft from April 2014)

It has been a long, cold, snowy winter - and with no skiing to make the season fun, give the cold weather purpose and give our bodies a break from the indoors - it has felt long and cold and snowy.  Now that blessed spring has arrived we are outside, getting fresh air, stretching our legs and using our imaginations afresh and it is magical.

Belen loves fairies right now - is fascinated by the whole idea of fairies.  

The other day she and her friend Morgan made pixie dust for themselves, and for the boys - Jack and Connor - they all ran around the backyard playing with it, sprinkling it over themselves, imagining they could fly and make the flowers grow and all sorts of wonderful things.  In the end there was glitter everywhere, including caked on everyone's scalp in a sparkly glow.  It was hilarious (but only because the glitter came out in the bath so easily).

Today she decided to make wings - I helped her - ok she had the idea and gathered the supplies, then mandated I execute half of the project.  Here she is in her lovely wings.

 flying

After "flying" around the yard for a bit she said to me, "I wish I were a real fairy.  Wouldn't it be cool to be so small and be able to fly and stuff?"  We talked about fairies for a while, imagined what kind she would be, etc.  It reminded me of myself at her age. I loved unicorns - was so fascinated by them, created in my imagination an entire world - Unicorn Land, naturally - and a scenario where I would go through a secret door each night to this wondrous place to frolic with unicorns.  In my mind I can still see the meadow where I would arrive on my flying unicorn, the herd of fantastical beauties there to greet us.  I wished and hoped so deeply that it were real, but knew down deeper that it was not.  I see my Belen having this battle in her mind and heart right now. Last week she said to me, "I think you're the Easter Bunny... aren't you?" A few days later she lost a tooth - front tooth #2...

(it's been a loooong time comin - this one has been loose for 6 weeks and she has favored it and tried her darndest not to wiggle it or let her parents touch it.  then one night she just knocked it with her hand and pop! out it came - it bled and bled - made her teeth all red, she was tough and handled it all by herself)

...as we put it under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy, she started connecting the dots.  That night cuddling she said to me, "you can't be Santa though, right? He's real isn't he?"  

I am so torn!  I don't want lie to my child's face nor force the fantasy, but I also don't want her to grow up, I don't want the entire world of magical creatures, characters and symbols to come crashing down in one fell swoop!  

But I suppose that is the whole point of this principle... life is magical - in all its mundane, day to day reality - life is magical and a child's imagination is a beautiful way to spend an afternoon.  

toddler bel quirks

(Draft from 2011 - woah that's reaching back)

belén says...

"why cuz?" when she's asking why

"mmm, mommy smell this/what does this smell like?/ you smell dat?" i hear a variation of this line approximately 678 times per day - bel insists on smelling everything - i'm not kidding, she is probably less likely to ask me to smell something if it is fragrant - she sticks to the challenging things like walls, clean dishes, plastic bottles, toys, things that you would never bring to your nose and take a whiff - oh it cracks me up

the logistics and bargaining powers of bel are as follows...

us - bel it's time to take your medicine

her - um no, i want to jump on trampoline and play hide and seek then have a treat ok? (or the alternative neverending response where she just rambles on and on thinking that we'll forget what we were actually trying to talk about) - i love seeing her mind work

(This is hilarious to read 4 years later, because this is still her tactic - she is a determined delay fish)

an unpleasant reminder

(Draft from 2013)

This week we found out that one of my brother's close childhood friends passed away. Today was the funeral. As I got ready to go I could hear the voices and giggles of my loved ones close by, I looked out the upstairs bathroom window to see Ryan and the kids playing together on the trampoline. I couldn't help but reflect on how much time I spend worrying about things... I'll be the first to admit the thrill i get from a new shirt, my love affair with my car, my high standards for the house i live in, my constant desire to acquire newer, better, cooler things - i love things. but if all my things were taken away from me in a moment and i were suddenly homeless, carless, posessionless and (hopefully not totally) naked, i know i'd be just fine if i could still hear the voices of those people that i love near by.

Today has been an emotional rocker for me as I've tried to keep it together. Rob was a great friend to my brother, one of my first schoolgirl crushes and an all around awesome guy. I think the real heart wrencher for me is the way I feel his family must be feeling today. I just lost it when his mom and dad walked in behind his casket. What would I do if I were burrying my son or daughter today? I have a firm belief in a happy and hopeful afterlife, but i'm also just plain selfish. I know when I lose my loved ones that the day will come when we will embrace again, that on this earth is not the last time I will see their face - but how will I handle the days in between? the days when I don't get to see their face and hear their voice?

It was a good reminder for me to rearrange my priorities back into the proper order, a reminder to seek out those I love and invest in them.

i do cool stuff everyday

(Draft from May 2014)

The other night I stayed up really late (catching up on my shows and surfing the web looking for meals I would be excited about making and eating - it was super fun), so it wasn't till 2:30am that I made myself shut down all my technology and brush my teeth.  As I lay in bed waiting for sleep to settle in I heard Sage start to shift around in her crib, then she began to stir and mumble incoherently, then it cleared into a sweet and subtle, "mama, mommy, mommy" - over and over with increasing loudness and urgency.  I went into her room to find her standing there, waiting for me.  Ryan had to work late and early the next day so he was sleeping at the hospital and I wanted some company in that big, empty bed anyway.  When I brought her in, she saw a big body pillow on Ryan's side of the bed and got excited to see her dad, she gasped, "dad! daddy?" - i showed her it was just a pillow, she stroked the pillow, "daddy? daddy?" and decided I was right - it wasn't him.  We cuddled and fell asleep.

In the light of day, when we are up and going, when I am trying to get things done, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and overloaded - I struggle with the fact that I am the first person these three little people turn to for everything.  It is a challenge for me to be relied upon, trusted and needed so greatly.  But in the middle of the night, as I laid in my bed alone, awake - I listened to Sage stir and wake and I knew she would call for me. It filled my heart and made me smile and I realized that the very things that challenge me the most about motherhood are also the things that make it worth it.

The other day Ryan came home from a super eventful couple days of work - He told me about the crazy injuries that had come through and the cool surgeries he got to do to help fix some pretty demolished body parts.  The things made possible by modern medicine are completely amazing to me and the fact that my husband is at the point in his career that he is doing surgery is also amazing to me - I'm super proud of how hard he works and how much he has learned and how much he has progressed and I said to him in awe, "you do such cool stuff everyday".  Without hesitation and with complete sincerity he responded, "I think you do such cool stuff everyday.  You are raising three amazing kids..." and he went on to list some of the daily things that I do and why they are "so cool".  I was so caught off guard and at the same time so penetrated by his comments - he was him telling me a truth I already know deep down, but occasionally forget... My job as a mom is just as cool and important as any other job out there, if not more so.

Yes, I am the one they ask to retrieve every toy, snack and art supply imaginable, I am the one who they still want to wipe their bum, to prepare food and clean up all manner of messes - at times these tasks, or the requests to perform them, make me crazy - BUT I am also the one they trust, the one they ask for hugs and a listening ear, the one who provides entertainment, nourishment and healing.  In moments of peace, I am able to realize what a privilege and what a blessing it is to be the one they turn to.  

What makes it mean even more is when I think about how much these things meant to me when I was the child on the receiving end.  As the memories distill with time, the routine-ness of these tasks fades away and the love given is what remains.  I remember the delivery of many a grape chewable tylenol in the middle of the night to soothe my growing pains.  I remember my mom reading to me - stories, yes, but the most memorable were the long reading assignments I just didn't have the brain power to make it through in high school (yes, that's right, high school).  I remember my mom on the sideline of every soccer game, rain or shine. I remember my mom turning back with me on hikes she was dying to finish.  I remember delicious dinners (food I still crave and look forward to), baskets of clean, folded laundry, battles fought over the inseam of my shorts and my ability to abide by a curfew.  I remember good things and times made better by the presence of my mother... 

I remember so clearly a couple specific experiences when, as a full grown child I needed my mom in just the same way that my littles need me.  The first I was probably about 16 - I don't remember anything specific that triggered this fit of emotion, but I was so stirred up with emotions and raging hormones and just plain confused and overwhelmed by it all - I came home, walked down into the basement, saw my mom, collapsed into her lap/arms as best as I could fit and just wept, all the while spouting gibberish and trying to figure out what was going on with me.  After a while she looked at me and asked, "so, what's wrong sweetie?" and I blurted, laughed, wailed, "I don't even know!"  She sat there for a minute and I watched her face light up when she figured it out, "I know what it is! You're experiencing pms for the first time!" and then she laughed and so did I and I cried it out a little more, then all was well.

The other time was in college at the height of my distress over what to do with my life - go on a mission, marry Ryan - commitment issues with both options, confusion, emotion, pressure, so much - and the same thing happened, only this time my mom was upstairs and I was officially an "adult"- yet I remember feeling so much like a child - upset, overwhelmed, confused and i just wanted to be held and rocked like a toddler.

The truth is, at one week shy of 31 years old, I still rely on the love of my mother.  And now I have more patience when my toddlers get upset and just need a minute to gather their composure in the arms of someone who loves them unconditionally.

My mom is my hero.  I also can't help but give a shout out to all those women out there who fill that role and meet those needs for me and so many others who don't have a mother in the neighborhood or in the world to turn to - the friends who commiserate and sympathize, the neighbors who serve, the church ladies who see a need and fill it.

Summer 2014 - Part 1

After a rough transition into full day kindergarten with Bel and a frequently-hesitant-to-go preschool routine with Jack, we were beyond ready for the freedom of summer!  And what an epic summer we had!

We filled the first 6 weeks with plain old chillin in the backyard, trips to the park and pool, hanging with friends, grilled dinners, picking strawberries, eating peas from our garden of weeden, summer reading & library programs, Sage's 2nd birthday, backyard camping, 4th of July festivities and popsicles on the porch.  ahhh - it's what summer is all about.

 seriously, we are all about popsicles for breakfast around here - sometimes it just feels right

 trying her hand at grilling

we love our library!

sage and jackson at the pirate ship park - two peas in a pod

 we love picking our own berries out at the whitehouse farm strawberry fields every year (and of course heading to the farm for donuts after)

we eat them all through the process - can't even get a photo of the basket without snitching in action

 two little besties - bel and morgan at whitehouse farm

on the night we camped in the backyard, jack got hungry for breakfast and was sweet enough to bring me some too - a fresh bowl of dry corn chex - mmm - such a sweet boy

 every year a family in our ward hosts a fantastic 4th of july party.  this year there were glow sticks galore and a giant box of free for all sparklers and fireworks for entertainment before (and who am i kidding, also during and after) the big firework show - the kids were in heaven.

 we also hit up the firework show in Boardman Park and the kids got their faces painted.

As you can see, we are not the best stewards of our little plot of soil, but despite the abundance of weeds, we really enjoy our garden - we go out there often to check on the progress of our plants and eat the veggies right off the vine - nothin like fresh picked.

These lovely flashbacks are making me excited for next year.

the scattered pieces of my heart

every time i take a trip to utah i have the same, unusual, emotional experience - a little twinge of sadness leaving my home (ohio, missouri, california) and the life that my growing family and i have there, then, a matter of hours later, on the other end of the trip, a sweeping wave of joy as i come home to the home where i grew up.  

as i go on living life, i continue to understand and feel the depth of the many cliches that float around - they say that home is where the heart is - and that is so true for me.  i have left a little piece of my heart in each of the places that i have called home.  

i can still feel the salty ocean air, hear the busy freeway and smell the strawberries, peppers and onions of the fields of camarillo, california.  I remember those little, beautiful, fancy, basically empty apartments, furnished with only what would fit in our cars and the mattresses we bought from craigslist.  

i wept when we returned to kirksville, missouri for ryan's med school graduation, remembering the roads we walked and rode bikes on, the parks we spent countless hours in, the building where ryan spent countless hours studying, the sandwich and pizza shops we loved, the little home where i struggled with loneliness, the town where i had to relearn how to make friends.

boardman, ohio where we have spent most of our married life, bought our first house, have fallen in love with the tall and abundant trees, where our kids have started school, where we bought a minivan, planted our first garden, and had our first family christmas.

each of these places holds a piece of my heart.  i love them, i love what happened there.  to me, home is where memories are made, relationships are strengthened, lessons are learned, challenges are faced, ugliness is endured and beauty is enjoyed.

each year i try to come back to my childhood home in logan, utah.  when i am lucky enough to arrive during daylight hours this is the view that welcomes me.

it makes my heart go pitter pat.  this is where i have spent most of my life.  this is where i learned to make friends for the first time, where i ran around barefoot all summer, where i explored the foothills with my bestie, learned to start fires, rode my bike with the girls to buy candy at the express mart, where i got my first job, where i learned to love skiing, started liking boys, fell in love with and married the one boy who stood apart from all the rest, where i graduated college, this is where i was a child and also where i became a mother.  a pretty big piece of my heart lies in this valley and its surrounding mountains.  

i love its dry heat, four seasons and variety of outdoor activities - i love the shaved ice, the neighborhoods with sidewalks and the churches on every corner - i love the river, the canyon and the dry brownish, greenish foothills - most of all i love the people, my goodness, how i love the people held safe in the embrace of these mountains.  

when you leave this much of your heart somewhere, you must come back to visit.  and even though i miss my current home in ohio, it's oh so good to be here.

small voices

Today was the last day of seminary for this school year.  It's a bittersweet day - I love starting my day with the spirit - talking with a great bunch of people, about the scriptures and god and how the principles they teach can improve our daily life.  Oh how I will miss my interactions with these awesome teens and their moms.

But as with everything rewarding, seminary takes work, so to celebrate the lessening of my work load, I did what I should do way more often... I played with my kids.  Well, Bel was at school and Jack had been sent to his room for the tantrum he threw when I turned off the tv.  So, I played with Sage.  She jumped off the steps into my arms, she jumped off the couch into my arms, she jumped on the mini trampoline (she loves jumping), we tickled and laughed, she rode mom like a horse, we conversed in jibberenglish, we played hide and no one seek - covering ourselves with a blanket and whispering, she would get all nervous and intense when she heard Jack moving around upstairs, we ate crackers and veggies and dip with our fingers, then it was nap time.  When I took her upstairs to brush her teeth, she grabbed my face, pulled me in close and started telling secrets - whispering sounds so closely and softly in my ears that it tickled - this is one of my favorite things in the world, so innocent, so sweet, just an excuse to be close and soft - a reminder that the most valuable voice in my life is the still, small voice.

I can't quite describe how fulfilling it is to me to have positive interactions with my children.  The majority of my life is maintenance - a never ending list of things to do - perpetual clutter, endless dishes, cleaning immediately undone, laundry days that roll around so quickly I can't believe another week has gone by, planning and preparing, fulfilling responsibilities, driving, errands, nagging, disciplining, tantrums, eternal bedtimes and let's not forget whining - but every now and then I have a moment when I hear the still, small voice tell me that the most important thing I should do, is play with my kids, engage with my mini humans - and so I do and it is such a refreshing break from life maintenance.

*I wish I had beautiful photographs of every game Sage and I played, but the truth is, we were both unbathed, in jammies, with messy hair, remnants of breakfast on our clothes and faces - the real beauty of all these experiences could not be captured by an iphone pic (not to mention if Sage sees a piece of technology then all fun and games end and she focuses in on the phone, tv, ipad, etc) BUT since I'm lazy and when I see a post without a picture, I'm immediately disappointed, here is a video to prove that Sage loves jumping.