A happy reunion

Me and the kiddos have been busy playing hard in Utah while Ryan has been working hard at home without us. So after four weeks apart it was a happy day when we got greeted by this handsome face...









Kisses and hugs all around (don't worry - I got mine too)

Honestly we can't get enough of this guy! Whenever he comes home or walks into a room, the kids are magnetized to him. They genuinely love their dad and I think it's because he's earned that love with all his hard work and charms - lots of story times, wrestling matches, cuddling, honest expressions of love and sacrificing his agenda for theirs. I know all those things swept me off my feet, and still do.

We had some much needed family time today - it was a blast!











Like I said - magnetized to him. Ry and I even snuck out for a date and when the kids came in the door ...



...there they were again - in his lap.

This really is the good stuff.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

letting go

for the past few months i've been falling in love with my jack. he's 18 months old, and is smack in the middle of my favorite stage - even his mischief making is innocent, not malicious or manipulative. he's charming in every way, the cutest copycat in the world- always repeating what we say and do, soft kissable skin, bright eyes and a dandy of a giggle. my sister, who is not afraid of the truth, (one of the many reasons i love her) cleared my conscience the other day when she said, "oh no, you do have a favorite child - it's always your baby. and when you don't have a baby - it changes hourly."

but this focus on my boy has taken a toll on my relationship with my girl. day after day jack gets attention for the frequent milestones he is reaching, but when you're 3 1/2 there are no milestones. Bel has decided the best way for her to get attention is pretend she is 18 months old as well - she scoots and talks like a baby, she cries and whines with great frequency - all of these things drive me crazy and make me want to ignore her, rather than give her attention. and the other day i realized... i've been neglecting my poor girl.

i found myself in the backyard with Bel telling her no and putting her off... again. it was Jack's nap time - a time when I put Bel in front of a movie and do something for me - I was tired and feeling particularly drained and unmotivated and selfish.
this is one of the recurring challenges of motherhood that comes in many forms and is... so very hard for me - the letting go - letting go of my priorities, letting go of my image, letting go letting go of my body (over and over again - for extended periods of time), letting go of control, letting go of my wants and needs, and today, letting go of a few of my issues.

with this realization in mind and my daughter right in front of me, i took a deep breath, i pulled my enthusiasm up from the bottom of my gut, put a smile on my face and i let go.

again, as with every time, it was hard, it was a sacrifice, it was a real physical, mental and emotional effort and - it was so worth it.

pretty soon we were teasing each other, laughing and playing like we haven't in a long time. and it wasn't an effort any more, it was pure, genuine enjoyment, the kind of absolute happiness that bubbles out of you when you are with someone you love, doing exactly what you want to do.

now i found myself basking in one of those moments that are so few, and so fleeting – the moments that will pass by when i am not willing to let go of something else.

this makes me think of Matthew 16:25-26 “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”

if I live my days seeking only to save myself from sacrifice and hardship – what do I gain? But when I lose myself in a good cause – my children being the best cause I can think of – that is when I find myself, that is when I learn and grow and gain experience. I pour my heart and soul into my kids and what will I profit if I lose them?

oh how i dread the day when i will have to let go of my toddler - i am her world and she is mine. that is a hardship i will gladly leave for another day.

my favorite moments

The other day my friend was willing to share one of her talents with me (something I wish I could do far better than I do) - She took photos of my kids and oh how i love them. I couldn't pick favorites so here they are... all of them.

The reason I love them is because they capture my favorite moments, they immortalize the personality traits of my two youngins. Think to yourself how many times in your life you have looked at the face of someone you love, or watched some funny/wonderful/beautiful thing happen and said to yourself - "gosh, i wish i had a camera". that's what these are to me - the daily occurences, facial expressions and moments that pass by me time after time, things i want to remember always - here they are

ok i lied - these last few are my favorites and here's why... in the years to come these photos best capture our current stage of life :

the curious friends

the mischevious scooter

the perpetual flower picker

and last but not least - we three.

my extra appendages

The other night Ryan and I went to see X-Men (gosh we love movies!) It's so good - do yourself a favor and go see it as soon as possible and while you're doing urgent things to increase your happiness - go buy a bag of these chips too.

Be careful, if you eat them while watching X-Men you might think you're in heaven.

That night after the movie I walked into a public bathroom all by myself - I wasn't pushing a stroller or a shopping cart, I didn't have a child on my hip, I wasn't holding my toddler's hand, I wasn't even carrying a purse - honestly I almost felt naked.

It's kind of incredible how the simple things can become such a big deal. This next tid bit might be too much information for some of you (consider yourself warned)... I almost never go to the bathroom alone - yes, my children are that close to me all. the. time. I'm not complaining it's just a factoid about my life right now. My children are like semi-attached (or semi-removable, depending on the day) appendages. We function as one clumsy body working our way from one room of the house to next, to the trampoline, to the car, to the store, to the library, munching on goldfish and fruit, drinking from the same water bottle, we exist together - we three sharing a small circumference of daily life. Always, I am aware of their presence, waiting for the next question, next story, next "look mom", next jabbering crawl up my legs, the next spontaneous hug. I live every hour of the day with and for my sweet extra appendages and our neverending soundtrack.

So that night when I walked into the bathroom all by myself, I felt strange and free - no one to talk to, no one to touch, no one to take care of. I breathed, I did my thing, I washed my hands - it was the most pleasant pee I've had in a long while. (I know, some of you think I'm totally crazy, others... completely understand)

But then my arms felt so useless and bored... my extra appendages, they were far from me and I missed them. (It's amazing what 2 hours can do for your soul.)

a purpose driven life

I think this is a book title, or a talk, or maybe just a cliche - either way, this phrase has been haunting me for the last few days.

This week I've really been struggling - I couldn't pinpoint why, but today I figured it out... a purpose driven life.

I watch my sweet husband (and seemingly the rest of the world), who is constantly being tested and measured - his life is scheduled and full of deadlines, assignments, interviews and evaluations. This gives him anxiety, which I totally understand, but at least he knows where he stands, what he needs to do and when, and how well he is doing it. He literally and definitively has a purpose. driven. life.

Mine (and every other stay-at-home mom of young children), is the very opposite challenge - My days have a "schedule" with little to no consequences if those appointments are made or kept, I go for months without any sort of deadline or assignment, no one is watching or critiquing or measuring me, I am not evaluated or interviewed or tested.

So I wonder how am I to be measured? Where do I stand? What am I to do and am I doing it well? Is mine a purpose driven life???

In truth, I know it is - and that is why I chose the path I am in, and why 98% of the time I work at it and enjoy it for exactly what it is - the mundane, exciting, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching, joy inspiring, the perpetually tied down and oh-so-free life of a mother. But once in a while, it hits me like a ton of doubt filled bricks... what are you doing with your life?

And I must realize again and again, I am the wind blowing over the dessert rocks, the rain that trickles into the cracks and carries away bits of sand, working everyday to form something amazing. So maybe the grand canyon took more than a childhood to form, but it's the same idea. The work of motherhood is a slow, unmeasured, unprecise work, with delayed results. I know reading with my kids teaches them more than letters and words, I know feeding them nutritious food will keep them healthy and enrich their lives, I know teaching good morals in the home will keep crime levels down, I know creating a safe and loving atmosphere benefits more than just the 4 people living here, I know my job is vital to the formation of a stable and happy society, I know I am a contributor to the universe! But it's difficult to see that when my main daily functions are to restock the fridge, pick up an endless supply of clutter, and be the short attention span entertainer.

The root of my purpose comes from one of my favorite scriptures - 2 Nephi 2:25, it says "...men are, that they might have joy." Scriptural language always has been, always will be a little hard for me and I still remember the day I realized what this scripture means: we exist for the purpose of being happy, having joy. What a simple, liberating, and hopeful purpose.

I was not always a mother, and not everyone is, nor will it consume my days forever. We all have different roles in life, usually one or two that define us most - I have been/am a child, a student, a volunteer, a temp, an office worker, a wife and a mother. But I always have been and always will be... me - I am a child of God and I exist that I might have joy.

That is my purpose, then, now and always - to find joy in this life, in my current role, amid my current challenges, in the place I find myself, with those that surround me.

And that is why 98% of the time I am at peace with my life... because it brings me joy.

The Miller Tribe

So many thoughts today...

Today I thought about our house, how I love it so much, how it fits our needs so well, how the yard is so filled with life that we can walk around having an adventure and still be at home. How can a house, a huge inanimate object, work its way into your heart, like a person - how do they do that? Some days I miss our house in Missouri (with its charm and charming neighbors), Other days our apartment in California (with the pool and perpetual ocean breeze), and further back I miss our newlywed Utah apartment (with its closeness to the mountains and all our roots).

Today I thought about pessimism and irritability and paying lots of money for preventative care on my car - ug. Today I thought, "I love my children so much, why can't they leave me alone once in a while???"

Today I thought, my family is like a diverse little tribe and I need each of them:

My hunter...

I'm most grateful that he hunted for me. Oh, honey, I think about it almost every day. He hunts everything else too - seeks things out, studies, patiently waits for the right time, commits, then works and works and works.

He:

-wears black nike socks everyday

-has more patience than me

-loves to be sarcastic, when he should be... and when he shouldn't

-has crucial talents that he won't give himself credit for

-still loves oreos and surfing and movies

My gatherer...

No matter the season she will find something to gather. Even in the dead of winter when you think there is nothing, she will harvest. And the best part... she shares

She:

-amazes me with how many times a day she can say... "mom, can you get me a snack?" (this includes, but is not limited to: in the car, at church, at the store, at a friend's, in the tub, in bed, whilde watching tv, while playing, while I'm making a snack/meal, minutes after a meal, during a meal - her desires for "a snack" know no bounds)

-loves cutting paper into pieces, writing on it, taping it together, taping it to the wall, putting it inside a bigger piece of paper taped together - she makes some sort of mosaic masterpiece everyday

-huffs and rolls her eyes at me (I could smack her... but I don't, I'm sure I did the same thing to my mom - it's all just a part of the cycle)

-has a growing attention span for books and stories

My scavenger...

Happily (and desperately) trying to keep up with the rest of us. Enjoying the crumbs (some edible, some not) that he finds in his path and even, in desperate moments, snatching bits of food out of our mouths.

He:

-has a knack for making messes, dumping (anything and everything), and finding dirt, but still wants to have clean hands while doing it (direct genetic inheritance from his father)

-may not walk all that well...at all, because he's focusing his energy on his vocabulary. He and I - we understand each other and I'm happy to report I was right - we are becoming great friends. We're conversing and bonding over words like - outside (my new favorite), shoe (my old favorite), cheese, backpack, mama, daddeee, bel, milk, bottle, doggie, uh oh, no, ya, trees - you know, all the essential conversation topics

-has a shrinking attention span for sitting in a shopping cart

Me... I'm a grazer...

Continually picking up bits along the way. Taking in everything within my reach - the ripe and the premature, the bitter and the sweet, the serious and the superfluous - I kind of love it all in there together - a big messy life salad.

I:

-am usually optimistic

-always think I can do an unrealistic amount of things in very little time (direct genetic inheritance from my father)

-love a little straight forward honesty in everyday conversations

-made these the other day - mmmm

Today I thought too much about things that don't matter, but at least I ended thinking about what does.

Lately bel and I have been power struggling a bit - whenever I ask her to help me with something odds are she'll run away, ignore me - or my least favorite - give me her best defiant look and say "I'm not you're helper!" and you know what... that's okay, because she has a good heart. She really loves the people in her life. She insists on calling her friends her cousins (I think it's because she loves them so much that they must all be family in her mind), she tells me things her grandparents do all the time, she thanks heavenly father for her mom and dad everyday and she genuinely cares about her brother.


Today when jack woke up from his nap, I was frantically capturing the last of my productive moments of the day and I heard bel walk into their room and say, in her sweetest good morning voice, "hi jack, you sleep good?" then climbed right into the crib with him. I heard giggles as she jumped on the bed and I peeked through the crack in the door to see them tackle hugging each other.

(I couldn't get a decent photo because they wouldn't stop playing - this is the best of five takes and I thought it would do since bel is singing an original I love jack song.)

I figure as long as the good outweighs the bad in either quantity or quality parenting will remain the best thing I've ever done... Ever.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone