an unpleasant reminder

(Draft from 2013)

This week we found out that one of my brother's close childhood friends passed away. Today was the funeral. As I got ready to go I could hear the voices and giggles of my loved ones close by, I looked out the upstairs bathroom window to see Ryan and the kids playing together on the trampoline. I couldn't help but reflect on how much time I spend worrying about things... I'll be the first to admit the thrill i get from a new shirt, my love affair with my car, my high standards for the house i live in, my constant desire to acquire newer, better, cooler things - i love things. but if all my things were taken away from me in a moment and i were suddenly homeless, carless, posessionless and (hopefully not totally) naked, i know i'd be just fine if i could still hear the voices of those people that i love near by.

Today has been an emotional rocker for me as I've tried to keep it together. Rob was a great friend to my brother, one of my first schoolgirl crushes and an all around awesome guy. I think the real heart wrencher for me is the way I feel his family must be feeling today. I just lost it when his mom and dad walked in behind his casket. What would I do if I were burrying my son or daughter today? I have a firm belief in a happy and hopeful afterlife, but i'm also just plain selfish. I know when I lose my loved ones that the day will come when we will embrace again, that on this earth is not the last time I will see their face - but how will I handle the days in between? the days when I don't get to see their face and hear their voice?

It was a good reminder for me to rearrange my priorities back into the proper order, a reminder to seek out those I love and invest in them.

i do cool stuff everyday

(Draft from May 2014)

The other night I stayed up really late (catching up on my shows and surfing the web looking for meals I would be excited about making and eating - it was super fun), so it wasn't till 2:30am that I made myself shut down all my technology and brush my teeth.  As I lay in bed waiting for sleep to settle in I heard Sage start to shift around in her crib, then she began to stir and mumble incoherently, then it cleared into a sweet and subtle, "mama, mommy, mommy" - over and over with increasing loudness and urgency.  I went into her room to find her standing there, waiting for me.  Ryan had to work late and early the next day so he was sleeping at the hospital and I wanted some company in that big, empty bed anyway.  When I brought her in, she saw a big body pillow on Ryan's side of the bed and got excited to see her dad, she gasped, "dad! daddy?" - i showed her it was just a pillow, she stroked the pillow, "daddy? daddy?" and decided I was right - it wasn't him.  We cuddled and fell asleep.

In the light of day, when we are up and going, when I am trying to get things done, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and overloaded - I struggle with the fact that I am the first person these three little people turn to for everything.  It is a challenge for me to be relied upon, trusted and needed so greatly.  But in the middle of the night, as I laid in my bed alone, awake - I listened to Sage stir and wake and I knew she would call for me. It filled my heart and made me smile and I realized that the very things that challenge me the most about motherhood are also the things that make it worth it.

The other day Ryan came home from a super eventful couple days of work - He told me about the crazy injuries that had come through and the cool surgeries he got to do to help fix some pretty demolished body parts.  The things made possible by modern medicine are completely amazing to me and the fact that my husband is at the point in his career that he is doing surgery is also amazing to me - I'm super proud of how hard he works and how much he has learned and how much he has progressed and I said to him in awe, "you do such cool stuff everyday".  Without hesitation and with complete sincerity he responded, "I think you do such cool stuff everyday.  You are raising three amazing kids..." and he went on to list some of the daily things that I do and why they are "so cool".  I was so caught off guard and at the same time so penetrated by his comments - he was him telling me a truth I already know deep down, but occasionally forget... My job as a mom is just as cool and important as any other job out there, if not more so.

Yes, I am the one they ask to retrieve every toy, snack and art supply imaginable, I am the one who they still want to wipe their bum, to prepare food and clean up all manner of messes - at times these tasks, or the requests to perform them, make me crazy - BUT I am also the one they trust, the one they ask for hugs and a listening ear, the one who provides entertainment, nourishment and healing.  In moments of peace, I am able to realize what a privilege and what a blessing it is to be the one they turn to.  

What makes it mean even more is when I think about how much these things meant to me when I was the child on the receiving end.  As the memories distill with time, the routine-ness of these tasks fades away and the love given is what remains.  I remember the delivery of many a grape chewable tylenol in the middle of the night to soothe my growing pains.  I remember my mom reading to me - stories, yes, but the most memorable were the long reading assignments I just didn't have the brain power to make it through in high school (yes, that's right, high school).  I remember my mom on the sideline of every soccer game, rain or shine. I remember my mom turning back with me on hikes she was dying to finish.  I remember delicious dinners (food I still crave and look forward to), baskets of clean, folded laundry, battles fought over the inseam of my shorts and my ability to abide by a curfew.  I remember good things and times made better by the presence of my mother... 

I remember so clearly a couple specific experiences when, as a full grown child I needed my mom in just the same way that my littles need me.  The first I was probably about 16 - I don't remember anything specific that triggered this fit of emotion, but I was so stirred up with emotions and raging hormones and just plain confused and overwhelmed by it all - I came home, walked down into the basement, saw my mom, collapsed into her lap/arms as best as I could fit and just wept, all the while spouting gibberish and trying to figure out what was going on with me.  After a while she looked at me and asked, "so, what's wrong sweetie?" and I blurted, laughed, wailed, "I don't even know!"  She sat there for a minute and I watched her face light up when she figured it out, "I know what it is! You're experiencing pms for the first time!" and then she laughed and so did I and I cried it out a little more, then all was well.

The other time was in college at the height of my distress over what to do with my life - go on a mission, marry Ryan - commitment issues with both options, confusion, emotion, pressure, so much - and the same thing happened, only this time my mom was upstairs and I was officially an "adult"- yet I remember feeling so much like a child - upset, overwhelmed, confused and i just wanted to be held and rocked like a toddler.

The truth is, at one week shy of 31 years old, I still rely on the love of my mother.  And now I have more patience when my toddlers get upset and just need a minute to gather their composure in the arms of someone who loves them unconditionally.

My mom is my hero.  I also can't help but give a shout out to all those women out there who fill that role and meet those needs for me and so many others who don't have a mother in the neighborhood or in the world to turn to - the friends who commiserate and sympathize, the neighbors who serve, the church ladies who see a need and fill it.

Summer 2014 - Part 1

After a rough transition into full day kindergarten with Bel and a frequently-hesitant-to-go preschool routine with Jack, we were beyond ready for the freedom of summer!  And what an epic summer we had!

We filled the first 6 weeks with plain old chillin in the backyard, trips to the park and pool, hanging with friends, grilled dinners, picking strawberries, eating peas from our garden of weeden, summer reading & library programs, Sage's 2nd birthday, backyard camping, 4th of July festivities and popsicles on the porch.  ahhh - it's what summer is all about.

 seriously, we are all about popsicles for breakfast around here - sometimes it just feels right

 trying her hand at grilling

we love our library!

sage and jackson at the pirate ship park - two peas in a pod

 we love picking our own berries out at the whitehouse farm strawberry fields every year (and of course heading to the farm for donuts after)

we eat them all through the process - can't even get a photo of the basket without snitching in action

 two little besties - bel and morgan at whitehouse farm

on the night we camped in the backyard, jack got hungry for breakfast and was sweet enough to bring me some too - a fresh bowl of dry corn chex - mmm - such a sweet boy

 every year a family in our ward hosts a fantastic 4th of july party.  this year there were glow sticks galore and a giant box of free for all sparklers and fireworks for entertainment before (and who am i kidding, also during and after) the big firework show - the kids were in heaven.

 we also hit up the firework show in Boardman Park and the kids got their faces painted.

As you can see, we are not the best stewards of our little plot of soil, but despite the abundance of weeds, we really enjoy our garden - we go out there often to check on the progress of our plants and eat the veggies right off the vine - nothin like fresh picked.

These lovely flashbacks are making me excited for next year.

the scattered pieces of my heart

every time i take a trip to utah i have the same, unusual, emotional experience - a little twinge of sadness leaving my home (ohio, missouri, california) and the life that my growing family and i have there, then, a matter of hours later, on the other end of the trip, a sweeping wave of joy as i come home to the home where i grew up.  

as i go on living life, i continue to understand and feel the depth of the many cliches that float around - they say that home is where the heart is - and that is so true for me.  i have left a little piece of my heart in each of the places that i have called home.  

i can still feel the salty ocean air, hear the busy freeway and smell the strawberries, peppers and onions of the fields of camarillo, california.  I remember those little, beautiful, fancy, basically empty apartments, furnished with only what would fit in our cars and the mattresses we bought from craigslist.  

i wept when we returned to kirksville, missouri for ryan's med school graduation, remembering the roads we walked and rode bikes on, the parks we spent countless hours in, the building where ryan spent countless hours studying, the sandwich and pizza shops we loved, the little home where i struggled with loneliness, the town where i had to relearn how to make friends.

boardman, ohio where we have spent most of our married life, bought our first house, have fallen in love with the tall and abundant trees, where our kids have started school, where we bought a minivan, planted our first garden, and had our first family christmas.

each of these places holds a piece of my heart.  i love them, i love what happened there.  to me, home is where memories are made, relationships are strengthened, lessons are learned, challenges are faced, ugliness is endured and beauty is enjoyed.

each year i try to come back to my childhood home in logan, utah.  when i am lucky enough to arrive during daylight hours this is the view that welcomes me.

it makes my heart go pitter pat.  this is where i have spent most of my life.  this is where i learned to make friends for the first time, where i ran around barefoot all summer, where i explored the foothills with my bestie, learned to start fires, rode my bike with the girls to buy candy at the express mart, where i got my first job, where i learned to love skiing, started liking boys, fell in love with and married the one boy who stood apart from all the rest, where i graduated college, this is where i was a child and also where i became a mother.  a pretty big piece of my heart lies in this valley and its surrounding mountains.  

i love its dry heat, four seasons and variety of outdoor activities - i love the shaved ice, the neighborhoods with sidewalks and the churches on every corner - i love the river, the canyon and the dry brownish, greenish foothills - most of all i love the people, my goodness, how i love the people held safe in the embrace of these mountains.  

when you leave this much of your heart somewhere, you must come back to visit.  and even though i miss my current home in ohio, it's oh so good to be here.

small voices

Today was the last day of seminary for this school year.  It's a bittersweet day - I love starting my day with the spirit - talking with a great bunch of people, about the scriptures and god and how the principles they teach can improve our daily life.  Oh how I will miss my interactions with these awesome teens and their moms.

But as with everything rewarding, seminary takes work, so to celebrate the lessening of my work load, I did what I should do way more often... I played with my kids.  Well, Bel was at school and Jack had been sent to his room for the tantrum he threw when I turned off the tv.  So, I played with Sage.  She jumped off the steps into my arms, she jumped off the couch into my arms, she jumped on the mini trampoline (she loves jumping), we tickled and laughed, she rode mom like a horse, we conversed in jibberenglish, we played hide and no one seek - covering ourselves with a blanket and whispering, she would get all nervous and intense when she heard Jack moving around upstairs, we ate crackers and veggies and dip with our fingers, then it was nap time.  When I took her upstairs to brush her teeth, she grabbed my face, pulled me in close and started telling secrets - whispering sounds so closely and softly in my ears that it tickled - this is one of my favorite things in the world, so innocent, so sweet, just an excuse to be close and soft - a reminder that the most valuable voice in my life is the still, small voice.

I can't quite describe how fulfilling it is to me to have positive interactions with my children.  The majority of my life is maintenance - a never ending list of things to do - perpetual clutter, endless dishes, cleaning immediately undone, laundry days that roll around so quickly I can't believe another week has gone by, planning and preparing, fulfilling responsibilities, driving, errands, nagging, disciplining, tantrums, eternal bedtimes and let's not forget whining - but every now and then I have a moment when I hear the still, small voice tell me that the most important thing I should do, is play with my kids, engage with my mini humans - and so I do and it is such a refreshing break from life maintenance.

*I wish I had beautiful photographs of every game Sage and I played, but the truth is, we were both unbathed, in jammies, with messy hair, remnants of breakfast on our clothes and faces - the real beauty of all these experiences could not be captured by an iphone pic (not to mention if Sage sees a piece of technology then all fun and games end and she focuses in on the phone, tv, ipad, etc) BUT since I'm lazy and when I see a post without a picture, I'm immediately disappointed, here is a video to prove that Sage loves jumping.

mundane life is beautiful

I read an article this week that reminds parents that Childhood itself is magical - it doesn't take anything to make it so. My favorite part  poses the questions, "are we creating a generation of people who cannot find the beauty in the mundane?  Do we want to teach our children that the magic of life is something that comes beautifully gift-wrapped -- or that magic is something you discover on your own?"

It made me think about my own life, as I thought my mind wandered, as it usually does, to a semi-related tangent - can I find the beauty in the mundane? Truth be told... sometimes, it's a struggle, but honestly, yes I can.  I do realize the things that make my life so rewarding, fulfilling and happy are not the trips to Costa Rica, but the moments when I recognize the beauty in the mundane things in my real, everyday life.  My days are filled with the same repetitive tasks day in and day out, but for some reason this week - deep breath - I looked up from folding the laundry in my room and saw this...

...all three kids momentarily self entertaining -bel coloring -jack making sound effects as he ran around -Sage jumping (a great love of hers) while narrating her actions, "jump, jump, jump, jump, jump"

I can't help being anything but blissfully proud (and shocked) that Sage sat on the counter and ate a bunch of baby carrots and ranch for breakfast this morning...

Automatically makes me feel like a good mom, any time veggies are consumed in my home.  Also, this girl makes me feel like a good mom.  This Sage/age/stage is my favorite - she can walk, her vocabulary is exploding right now, so she can tell me what she wants and doesn't want, she has a sense of humor, she loves to cuddle, she still takes a nice long nap, that I can strategically place almost anywhere in my day and by golly, she just loves me with that pure, no filters, no judgements, fierce, loyal toddler love that makes me feel like nothing else in the whole world matters.  Any time spent with this girl is a beautiful thing.

Another day recovering from a poopy diaper change and returning to preparing my seminary lesson, I looked out the window and saw this...

...Bel, creating something with nature's art supplies (a great love and talent of hers).  For a while, I sat and watched, thinking of how sad it makes me that in the last year she has grown 5 inches, lost 4 teeth and has no problem painting her nails and gabbin it up about boys with her 8 and 10 year old gal pals, Annie and Hallie Warner.  But in moments like this there she is - my girl, using her imagination, free from school and maturing and growing up too fast, just suspended in some kind of fantasy.  

Lately I feel like I might be losing her.  We spend so much time power struggling and debating that I wonder if it is driving us apart. (yes, at 6 she is insanely adept at trying to talk her way out of, over, around and through anything - I fear the teenage years as this skill finely hones itself)  Frequently our interactions are limited to meeting daily needs and nagging.  

Eventually she looked up and invited me to join her - so I did.  

More often I need to remember that she just wants me to take some time to be suspended in those moments together - so we built our first fairy house.  

 (it says... Fairies Welcome)

It was magical.  

Another day, Jack and Sage had followed me around for a couple hours on a productivity blitz.  It was awesome - they both wanted to help me scrub the toilet (nurture this desire, i told myself, nurture this for years to come).  When it was time for a break I knew just the activity for my boy.  Very often Jack will mix things (a great love of his), usually pricey edibles from the fridge and pantry - so this time I decided to control the "gredients" of the mixture.  I gave him water, food coloring, droppers, 6 containers and a little freedom to do "spearamints" - he was in heaven. Heaven.

I participated and documented, then returned to the productivity blitz.  I couldn't help but peek out the windows periodically just to watch.  

Jack has been challenging me lately with his inflammatory response to... almost everything.  It's crazy what can make him fly off the handle.  I think he is just going through that stage of life where he is starting to feel emotions in a significant way and he just doesn't know how to handle them.  Anger is a very apparent emotion in his repertoire but on the opposite end of the spectrum he is incredibly sweet and sincere and loving, with a desire to do what is good and right.  As I spent this time with and watching him, I got to see the real Jack, purely enjoying the moment.  It was lovely.

Lastly, during my perpetual quest of picking up clutter, I found this...

it's a formerly decapitated nerf dart, that has been sutured back together by my sweet husband.  He walked in and chuckled as I was taking this photo - To him it was a humorous toy rescue mission.  What he didn't realize is that I was having a real emotional moment over this nerf dart -sometimes more than receiving direct love and service, I love seeing the evidences thereof when I am alone - this way I can absorb it and enjoy it.  To me this dart showed me that someone else actually cares - cares that there is something on the floor, cares that it is broken, cares enough to fix it.  And the sutures - my goodness, it's true, I feel silly weeping over such a thing - but I saw those sutures and just wept with pride.  I am so fully engulfed by my own responsibilities and so far removed from Ryan's, that I feel a little disconnected.  When he comes home he steps away from the medical world, swoops in and focuses on us - he refreshes our home with new energy, gives me and the kids all kinds of attention.  He helps me with my responsibilities, but I do not swoop into the hospital to assist or observe him in any way and sometimes, I almost forget that he's a doctor.  And then I saw the sutures - and I remembered the late nights, the early mornings, the all nighters, the knots tied in strings taped to his desk, the consistent, dedicated studying, the sacrifices of personal desires, the drawer full of scrubs in his dresser, the x-rays on the photo roll of his phone, his quiver of amazing OR stories, I see the steady hands at practice and suddenly those silly nerf dart sutures become so much more.  To me they are the evidence of love expressed through hard work, years of hard work (a great talent of his).  

In between these moments, there were break downs (of adults and children), anger management moments, bodily fluid clean up, 40 minute bed time routines that drag on and on... and on, laundry, house cleaning, shells & cheese and cereal both made the dinner menu, whining, trimming raw chicken (blech), and some serious feelings of inadequacy wondering if I am making any progress whatsoever in teaching my kids how to work, BUT at the end of the week - deep breath - I feel like it was a darn good week, pretty chock full of magic and beauty if you ask me.  Oh how I love these people - they make my life so beautiful.

Belen is 6!!

Between snow days, friends' birthdays and our own birthdays we did some serious partying in February.  Bel turned the mighty mature age of 6.
She got to have a tea party with some of her favorite girls (clockwise from the top my sweet bel, Alexa Zarkou, Kinley Zarkou, Morgan Ferris, Annie Warner, Hallie Warner, Eliza Kizzar, Zoey Zarkou)

Making a wish on her pink sprinkled cupcakes.

Being showered with gifts

She had so much fun with all these girls.

 

Her actual birthday was kind of a series of disappointments.  We were hoping to have a family dinner at Golden Corral (which she loves), but Ryan had to work late so we opted for a salad, nuggets and fries at the burger king play place.

Then it was soccer night at the Y, which the kids have been loving.  So we went home to pick up dad, because he loves watching them play and cheering them on and this beauty of a flat happened on the treacherous, pothole covered road on the way there,

which meant soccer was out too. Then we all had to chill in the van till our friend could come pick us up, ryan waited for the tow truck (free tow, thanks to blessed AAA! we get our money's worth every. single. year.) dropped off the van and postponed the party till ryan could get home to join in the festivities.

After all that waiting, she was pretty excited about some deeeelicious mud pie - oreos, ice cream, hot fudge and more oreos and strawberries on top - another specific birthday treat request this year.

then very thoughtful about her birthday wish

She was equally stoked on her pile of presents and finally getting to open them all (she asked for days if she could open her birthday presents.)

 

There were some tears and some teaching moments along the way, but in the end she had a pretty awesome birthday and we think she's pretty awesome.

 

A glimpse of what Bel is like right now...

 

She loves to sing - in the kitchen, in the car, dancing around the living room, at church, walking down the street.  And she's quite good - i love listening to her sing. 

Bel loves to cuddle and chat at night.  It is so fun to be one on one with her, when she is not competing for attention, she'll just let her true self come out as she talks about her day, the things she's looking forward, ideas she has for art projects or plans for the next day.  It's complete parent child bliss.

She is creative and loves to create things - she often says she wants to be an artist when she grows up.

She is competitive - she is driven to be the fastest, or the smartest, or the best at things and gets frustrated when she's not.  When she sees that Jack or one of her friends has learned something new or is better than her at something she will make an effort to practice and learn this skill.  For example, last summer her friend Morgan learned to jump out of the swing when it is at it's highest poing and man this girl would just launch into the air.  This got some reactions out of us moms and the younger brothers and Bel immediately came home and started learning to jump out of the swing.  Which leads right in to her next quality...

She is a determined learner.  When she decides that she is going to learn to do something, she commits to it, practices, concentrates and does it everyday. 

Bel is nurturing.  She is so sweet to Sage, she loves to get her out of her crib when she wakes up, cheers her up when she's sad, helps her learn and do things she can't do and plays with her.  She plays with Jack and they come up with all kinds of imaginative games and things to do together. She is such a help to me.

She is a helper - when asked and rewarded properly and when she's in the right mood - it sounds like the stars have to allign but really she is becoming so capable and helpful and is such a helper as long as her needs are being met.

 

Gosh we love this girl of ours!!  Happy birthday to our trailblazing oldest daughter!!