Sage... Sage is the reason I sat down to write tonight - she... is my favorite baby, not because she is better than my other babies, not because I love her more, but because I am older and I know how to enjoy her more. Tonight when I told Ryan tonight - he aptly said, "it's because we're on the downhill slope" we may only have one more after this and I think I feel that in my soul. I feel so deeply my connection to my children - they are so much a part of me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - they are my life's work and I love them, but this time with them is so finite, so fleeting. This is not something I knew or understood when I held Bel in my arms for the first time, nor when I held Jack (or more appropriately, put him in his swing), I'm certain I still don't understand it completely, but I do realize how soon it will be that Sage will be too big to swaddle and too restless to cuddle during the day - I know that baby smell will fade away and her skin will not be quite so soft. When I hold her in my arms, I know her eyes will change and she won't stare at me contentedly for as long as I can hold her gaze, I know she will not stay this way for long. I believe Sage is Heavenly Father's reminder to me to open my eyes and see my children - to put down my phone, turn off the tv, leave the dishes in the sink - to take note of what's going on around me and make a record of it so I can enjoy it when it's gone. And hopefully I will, but at least today I did.
The front window of our house is a bay window - 5 panes that curve out just enough so there is a ledge big enough for the kids to sit on. Everyday they sit on it - they watch the garbage men take our trash and recycling, they watch the school bus pick up and drop off the neighbors, they pretend the window knobs are phones, they pretend the ledge is a bed, there's always something going on on the ledge.
Bel still says "yittle" instead of little - there are plenty of times she fakes baby talk, but this one is genuine and i love it, and i'll miss it when she figures out that little starts with an L
Jack says "my" instead of "I" - everyday, about a hundred times I hear him say - my am coming mom! - my am not Jack, my am dinosaur! - my am doin sumping! (yes, exclamation points are necessary - he often yells these responses and even his normal speaking voice is an unusually high decibel)
When Bel prays she has always started "thank you father" - I've never corrected her because I love the reminder that all our prayers should start with gratitude - there are many times she just says thanks from the beginning of her prayer to the end and never asks for anything - this week she figured it out and has started her prayers with "heavenly father"
All our bedrooms are upstairs in this house and every morning when Jack wakes up he comes straight down our squeaky, wooden staircase for breakfast - he slams both feet on the step then drags his bum down to plop on the stair - I always know when he's coming because i hear a slam, slide, bam - slam, slide, bam - down each of the 11 steps
Jack has been a bit of an early riser these days and is always up before Bel, plus Bel is going to preschool 3 times a week for 3 hours - she loves being together and when she comes downstairs or rejoins us after school, she frequently asks - "what did you guys do without me?" She (we) is still adjusting to being apart and missing some of the action.
Bel and Jack love each other - they pretend they are animals or dinosaurs, teacher and student, they have "houses" and "hideouts" all over the house. They also fight a healthy amount. Bel's favorite sibling rivalry attack is kicking or a nice, direct mean spirited poke - Jack's is hitting and persistent, thorough space invasion
Bel loves to collect treasures - knick knacks and doo dads, anything miniature or sparkly, rocks and flowers, business cards, tiny toys, tags - she fills boxes and drawers and bags (she loves zip loc bags - with the zipper and would use 5 a day if I would let her) - then she likes to just keep them somewhere and know that she has treasure. Jack likes to find these treasure stashes and dump them out and go through the items. This always results in tears from Bel.
They've figured out how awesome it is to wear a giant shirt for jammies
5 comments:
I remember figuring that principle out when Gordo was born. I knew he was my last, and I just layed on the floor with him for hours as a baby. but you are much wiser than I to be able to articulate it. When you can write it down you can think about it when things are crazy and your perspective will save you and your kids.
Oh thank you for this. I wish I knew these kids better but what a perfect little slice of life you have bottled up. Love them, love you.
Aahh. She is beautiful. You always say things so well. What a great reminder.
Not lying, I have failed the "prove you are not a robot three times now. Is is just me or are they getting harder and harder?"
Wow. I just love you and your thoughts! It makes me want to be the kind of mom you are.
Wow. I wish someone could tell me why your posts always make me cry. Maybe it's because I've never known anyone who could put into words the joys and frustrations of motherhood the way you do, or maybe it's just because I miss you all so much. Just know they're tears of love.
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