a few things i want to remember

it's nothing short of a miracle that i am finally getting my act together enough to finally put some thoughts down on the blog.  here's hoping that my next break won't be quite so long.

tonight i've been going through photos of the last year.  we are just 20 days shy of Sage being a member of our family for 1 year.  It's been quite a year and there are a few things I'd like to remember.

First, this little gem.

I remember the feeling of this moment so well.  This was taken the day before I was going to be induced to bring Sage into this world.  We were about to end a month of time off with Ryan.  It was a blissful month of family time, filled with lazy mornings, fire pit evenings, mario playing in the heat of the day and just hanging out together doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted - it was pretty amazing.  The next day would bring a new baby and the start of a demanding 5 year residency program for Ryan and the drastic reduction of our time spent together as a family.  It was the end of much anticipation to meet our girl and the relief that Ryan was about to begin his training for a job that he loves but wasn't always so sure he'd have the chance to do - we were in a moment of great emotion, the flood gates ready to burst, on the precipice of great change - and here i found myself snuggled up on the trampoline with every member of my little 4 person family, a common and exceedingly pleasant phenomenon that had happened many times in the last month, it brought me so much peace, and it felt so good, and so right, and yet i knew it was the last time it would be this way - it was a moment i wanted to last forever and at the same time couldn't wait for it to end.  I think we all felt a little like this - ready to burst.

My last pregnant supper, before the hard work of child birth.  yum - i love this meal.

and the next morning we were off.

i felt a little numb to all my emotions for the first few hours of the day and then, once the numbness wore off, my emotions hit me - the dam burst (the afore mentioned flood gates) and there i was, sitting on a hospital bed small talking with my nurse one moment and shaking with sobs the next - totally freaked out my nurse, but Ryan knew what was going on.  i was so grateful to have him there - truly my better half, my source of confidence in times of doubt and fear.  then a few tears and pushes and crazy moments later - there was Sage in all her fresh from heaven, messy, bluish, covered in bodily substances glory.

and i was so glad she was here.  i must be getting older, because i thought a little harder about the whole circle of life this time around, and i appreciated the experience a lot more and there were a lot more emotions.  i did a lot of this...

 
and this...

and this...

 and this...

 and so did ryan.

 we were happy she made the journey to mortality safely.

our bright eyed Sage

 even gramma karen got one of those tender moments.

this was a real tender moment for me too - watching my mom holding sage, a lot of it was just that my mom was there.  this was at the end of my second day in the hospital.  i had been in that little room all day, with my new baby in a plastic box they call a bassinet, my husband back to work, my older kids and my mom having fun without me, and the solitude was great for the hour that i got to take a long shower, but then i just got lonely and i wanted to be home.  and that's when ryan took the kids and my mom came to visit.  if you can't be at home, then being with someone you love is the next best thing.  I know i've said it before, but i have to say it again... there are just some things that only a mom can do.  and it still surprises me sometimes how much i still need my mom.  i'm feeling quite like an adult lately - i'm 30 years old for cryin out loud, i'm married with 3 children, i've been living away from my parent's home for a decade(ish) and yet, when my mom walked in that little florescent lit room, with its institutional furniture and sterile smell, i felt rescued by her presence - the sound of her uneven gate, her smell, her conversation - it was like a breath of fresh air to me.  and as i watched my mom, who has lived through and experienced much, hold my fresh baby who was so fragile and new in every way - i felt so blessed to be right in the middle of the timeline between these two strong spirits, following the example of one, in hopes of teaching and nurturing the other.  but really the line goes both ways, we all need each other no matter where we are in the process.

It was so interesting to see the way Belen and Jack welcomed Sage.  Jack was completely fascinated by her, while Bel's wariness was almost tangible.  

Bel moved in slowly and deliberately, taking her time to think over this new family member and the changes she was causing.  Over the last year Bel's slow and steady adjustment phase has created a solid foundation of love and she has become a fiercely loyal, dedicated, involved and protective older sister.  She is always looking out for Sage's best interest- sharing toys, making faces at her to cheer her up in the car, climbing in her crib to play with her when she wakes up and i am busy doing other things, blocking her from her brother's oblivious toddler violence.  I almost never have to ask Bel to help me with Sage because she just does it on her own.  When Jack met Sage, he was hooked, couldn't get enough of her, always wanting to touch her, hold her, sit next to her, watch her.  It was such a genuine fascination and pure delight in meeting his new baby sister and an absolute thrill to see as a parent.  Over the last year, the novelty has worn off for Jack and he has accepted Sage as a worthy and vital part of our family.  When his older, stronger, wrestle/play buddy is not around Jack and Sage have had some fun interactive moments - playing with cars or dinosaurs, chasing each other and playing hide and seek, and even cuddling - they have a promising friendship ahead.  

With Bel, there were a lot of times like this.

She would slide into where Sage was and just sit or lay next to her.

And with Jack, there were a lot of times like this.  

He just wanted to be involved with her, be where she was, "help" me feed her or put her to sleep.

I always love seeing Ryan put our new babies into the car seat for the first time.

He does everything so gently and so intentionally, finely balancing their need for safety with their fragility.  This so encompasses him as a father.  He takes his responsibility to protect and to provide so seriously, but he does it with such loving care - being a father is not just his role, it is his pleasure.  he loves his children with sincerity and depth, thinking on their basic needs, and always seeking for their happiness.  all that from a little seat belt buckling.

the future looks pretty bright from here... and that's something i want to remember too