a purpose driven life

I think this is a book title, or a talk, or maybe just a cliche - either way, this phrase has been haunting me for the last few days.

This week I've really been struggling - I couldn't pinpoint why, but today I figured it out... a purpose driven life.

I watch my sweet husband (and seemingly the rest of the world), who is constantly being tested and measured - his life is scheduled and full of deadlines, assignments, interviews and evaluations. This gives him anxiety, which I totally understand, but at least he knows where he stands, what he needs to do and when, and how well he is doing it. He literally and definitively has a purpose. driven. life.

Mine (and every other stay-at-home mom of young children), is the very opposite challenge - My days have a "schedule" with little to no consequences if those appointments are made or kept, I go for months without any sort of deadline or assignment, no one is watching or critiquing or measuring me, I am not evaluated or interviewed or tested.

So I wonder how am I to be measured? Where do I stand? What am I to do and am I doing it well? Is mine a purpose driven life???

In truth, I know it is - and that is why I chose the path I am in, and why 98% of the time I work at it and enjoy it for exactly what it is - the mundane, exciting, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching, joy inspiring, the perpetually tied down and oh-so-free life of a mother. But once in a while, it hits me like a ton of doubt filled bricks... what are you doing with your life?

And I must realize again and again, I am the wind blowing over the dessert rocks, the rain that trickles into the cracks and carries away bits of sand, working everyday to form something amazing. So maybe the grand canyon took more than a childhood to form, but it's the same idea. The work of motherhood is a slow, unmeasured, unprecise work, with delayed results. I know reading with my kids teaches them more than letters and words, I know feeding them nutritious food will keep them healthy and enrich their lives, I know teaching good morals in the home will keep crime levels down, I know creating a safe and loving atmosphere benefits more than just the 4 people living here, I know my job is vital to the formation of a stable and happy society, I know I am a contributor to the universe! But it's difficult to see that when my main daily functions are to restock the fridge, pick up an endless supply of clutter, and be the short attention span entertainer.

The root of my purpose comes from one of my favorite scriptures - 2 Nephi 2:25, it says "...men are, that they might have joy." Scriptural language always has been, always will be a little hard for me and I still remember the day I realized what this scripture means: we exist for the purpose of being happy, having joy. What a simple, liberating, and hopeful purpose.

I was not always a mother, and not everyone is, nor will it consume my days forever. We all have different roles in life, usually one or two that define us most - I have been/am a child, a student, a volunteer, a temp, an office worker, a wife and a mother. But I always have been and always will be... me - I am a child of God and I exist that I might have joy.

That is my purpose, then, now and always - to find joy in this life, in my current role, amid my current challenges, in the place I find myself, with those that surround me.

And that is why 98% of the time I am at peace with my life... because it brings me joy.

The Miller Tribe

So many thoughts today...

Today I thought about our house, how I love it so much, how it fits our needs so well, how the yard is so filled with life that we can walk around having an adventure and still be at home. How can a house, a huge inanimate object, work its way into your heart, like a person - how do they do that? Some days I miss our house in Missouri (with its charm and charming neighbors), Other days our apartment in California (with the pool and perpetual ocean breeze), and further back I miss our newlywed Utah apartment (with its closeness to the mountains and all our roots).

Today I thought about pessimism and irritability and paying lots of money for preventative care on my car - ug. Today I thought, "I love my children so much, why can't they leave me alone once in a while???"

Today I thought, my family is like a diverse little tribe and I need each of them:

My hunter...

I'm most grateful that he hunted for me. Oh, honey, I think about it almost every day. He hunts everything else too - seeks things out, studies, patiently waits for the right time, commits, then works and works and works.

He:

-wears black nike socks everyday

-has more patience than me

-loves to be sarcastic, when he should be... and when he shouldn't

-has crucial talents that he won't give himself credit for

-still loves oreos and surfing and movies

My gatherer...

No matter the season she will find something to gather. Even in the dead of winter when you think there is nothing, she will harvest. And the best part... she shares

She:

-amazes me with how many times a day she can say... "mom, can you get me a snack?" (this includes, but is not limited to: in the car, at church, at the store, at a friend's, in the tub, in bed, whilde watching tv, while playing, while I'm making a snack/meal, minutes after a meal, during a meal - her desires for "a snack" know no bounds)

-loves cutting paper into pieces, writing on it, taping it together, taping it to the wall, putting it inside a bigger piece of paper taped together - she makes some sort of mosaic masterpiece everyday

-huffs and rolls her eyes at me (I could smack her... but I don't, I'm sure I did the same thing to my mom - it's all just a part of the cycle)

-has a growing attention span for books and stories

My scavenger...

Happily (and desperately) trying to keep up with the rest of us. Enjoying the crumbs (some edible, some not) that he finds in his path and even, in desperate moments, snatching bits of food out of our mouths.

He:

-has a knack for making messes, dumping (anything and everything), and finding dirt, but still wants to have clean hands while doing it (direct genetic inheritance from his father)

-may not walk all that well...at all, because he's focusing his energy on his vocabulary. He and I - we understand each other and I'm happy to report I was right - we are becoming great friends. We're conversing and bonding over words like - outside (my new favorite), shoe (my old favorite), cheese, backpack, mama, daddeee, bel, milk, bottle, doggie, uh oh, no, ya, trees - you know, all the essential conversation topics

-has a shrinking attention span for sitting in a shopping cart

Me... I'm a grazer...

Continually picking up bits along the way. Taking in everything within my reach - the ripe and the premature, the bitter and the sweet, the serious and the superfluous - I kind of love it all in there together - a big messy life salad.

I:

-am usually optimistic

-always think I can do an unrealistic amount of things in very little time (direct genetic inheritance from my father)

-love a little straight forward honesty in everyday conversations

-made these the other day - mmmm

Today I thought too much about things that don't matter, but at least I ended thinking about what does.

Lately bel and I have been power struggling a bit - whenever I ask her to help me with something odds are she'll run away, ignore me - or my least favorite - give me her best defiant look and say "I'm not you're helper!" and you know what... that's okay, because she has a good heart. She really loves the people in her life. She insists on calling her friends her cousins (I think it's because she loves them so much that they must all be family in her mind), she tells me things her grandparents do all the time, she thanks heavenly father for her mom and dad everyday and she genuinely cares about her brother.


Today when jack woke up from his nap, I was frantically capturing the last of my productive moments of the day and I heard bel walk into their room and say, in her sweetest good morning voice, "hi jack, you sleep good?" then climbed right into the crib with him. I heard giggles as she jumped on the bed and I peeked through the crack in the door to see them tackle hugging each other.

(I couldn't get a decent photo because they wouldn't stop playing - this is the best of five takes and I thought it would do since bel is singing an original I love jack song.)

I figure as long as the good outweighs the bad in either quantity or quality parenting will remain the best thing I've ever done... Ever.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fishing...

... for goldfish.



Letting go of control is definitely in the top three hardest things about being a parent. At least for now I control mostly what my kids wear and eat, when and how much they sleep, what they watch on tv, the language and music they hear and the things they learn, but every now and then I have to let go.

Jack, for instance, loves making messes - today he reached and whined and sprinted for this puddle repeatedly until finally I let him have at it, and what do you know... It was super rewarding for all parties involved. I should probably let go in the mess department a little more often.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Happy campers

How lucky am I?


It's just a pity that moments like these don't last longer. Jack was so content to lay back on my leg and eat some cereal while I read a book. It was a summer miracle!

It's just that kind of a day...

...when we sit outside and eat popsicles,


and beautify the driveway. Welcome back sunshine - we missed you!

Happy Easter and Spring and all

(Just focus on my cute kids in this photo - I'm only including one with me because it happens so seldom (obviously for good reason) and to prove I was there )

Today was all about flowers for us. We spent a couple hours "walking" on a lovely path near our house. We stopped approximately every ten feet and discovered all kinds of plant life emerging out of the forest floor that is still covered with the brown-black leaves from last fall.

Behold the star flower...

The harvest also included specimens of purplish-pink flowers, grape cluster flowers, umbrella leaves, bell flowers, butterfly flowers, purple flowers, heart leaf and my favorite "dandy flowers" - more commonly known as the dandelion.

I can't help but smile at how excited she gets about seeing a dandelion. The other day she picked a handful of them from our friend's yard, 4 to be exact, "one for dad, one for mom, one for me and one for jack!" She clutched them protectively as we drove home, then we put them in some water - I love seeing them on the counter - they make me smile. I love what they represent - an all too common piece of beauty that is so common we often take it for granted.

(Look out mini tangent ahead)
A couple weeks ago we went to Utah for a visit - it was the best trip we've had in a long while - it wasn't a Christmas break full of presents and parties, we didn't "do" anything, no jaunts to lake powell or disneyland or the moon - just a whole three weeks of ordinary days spent with family and friends, people we love (and one we haven't seen in years). we had meals together, ate frozen yogurt, did our grocery shopping, talked, made a few attempts to craft together, but mostly we just coexisted side by side in our daily routines - it was so ordinary and so special, just like the dandy flower is to me.

So Happy Spring to one and all - I hope the sun is shining in your neighborhood like it was in ours today, I hope that the grass is turning green and there are buds on the trees, I hope the star flowers and umbrella leaves are pushing their way through the undergrowth and I hope that will help us all remember our Savior and the hope that He provides for all of us to overcome the winter of our lives. Happy Easter!