these are the days

Today, I’m frustrated.
Frustrated with my kids, mad at my kids.

It’s been a while now that the stresses and responsibilities, worries and moods of life have been building up on my shoulders and weighing me down and I have really been needing some relief and renewal, some moments to exercise, or have uninterrupted conversations with my friends, maybe a date night or best of all, a weekend of spiritual enrichment. And it just seems that every time one of these opportunities arises I can’t take advantage of it because of my kids. Today was the straw that made me break and I know I shouldn’t blame my kids, but I do – it is their fault! It is because of them that I can’t exercise when I need some stress relief or fresh air, it is because of them that I can’t call up or sit down with a fellow female for some conversation, why Ryan and I can’t go out on a whim, why when that special semi-annual weekend rolls around that I can’t sit down and listen to general conference and be spiritually guided and uplifted, it is because of my kids that I can’t! I’ve been let down so many times in the last couple weeks - times when my expectations have risen at the prospect of renewal only to be dashed by the neediness of my children. So I’ve been trying really hard to reconcile all this in my head and while all that I’ve said is true, it is also true that it is because of my kids that I do get so much unplanned exercise and fresh air, it is because of them that I have so much to talk about with some of my favorite women, why dates can be such a welcome and wonderful escape, and why I personally have learned to love my Heavenly Father and Savior so much more and part of why I want to draw nearer to them. It is because of my kids. And while it doesn’t change the fact that they make lots of things in my life harder, they also make life in general more rewarding.

So I’ll just keep relying on the people and the god that I love, I’ll keep learning from my kids, I’ll slam a few doors, shed a few tears, take some deep breaths and enjoy (or endure) this day/moment/stage for what it is, knowing that these are the days that contribute to my character development and that tonight will be an early bedtime and I’ll get my renewal around 8:30pm EST.

...and if you were actually hoping to see some fun photos and captivating tales of what we've been doing (rather than what I've been thinking) don't give up hope, I'll stop philosiphizing some day soon and post about our adventures instead :)

the end of another era

the past few days have held a couple conversations and events that have really solidified this realization in my mind - the begining of summer will be the end of an era for our family, dare i say... my favorite of my life so far.

We will add a third kid to the miller lineup - which is a giant adjustment in itself,
Ryan will NOT be a student - a change we have been counting down and excited for, but at the same time will be a hard lifestyle to let go of,
Ryan will begin the demanding schedule of an orthopedic surgery resident - and if you don't know him like I do you may not realize how seriously he takes this - he is so excited to start focussing completely on the specialty that he has chosen and to learn the skills he needs to become the best surgeon he can become and truth be told, it's just a time consuming process.
Bel is officially signed up for preschool - for me this is a big deal, because she is my first child and this is the first time one of my kids will be away from me for a significant amount of time, plus she'll be in the influence and instruction of someone else and while I trust the her preschool is a safe place, that her teachers are good people and the kids who she'll be with probably won't be awful - it's just the begining of the end...

...the end of my favorite era of life. The simple, stay-at-home, student years during which I have always had one arm and one leg for each child, the time when we have had no schedule except the one we want to create for ourselves, the time when they have loved and relied on mom and dad alone, the years that Ryan had a summer vacation, that sweet window of time when my minature comrades giggle and play and talk together more than they cry and whine and fight, when all my kids agree that mom and dad are the strongest and the smartest and the best, the years that they are our world and we are theirs.

I will miss the ability to pick up my life and transplant it somewhere else for 3 months, I will miss being so needed and adored by my children, I will miss being there for every moment of my kids' lives, I will miss the simplicity of it all and ok, ok, I will miss all the control and power I have over what enters my children's bodies and minds and I will miss them.

Please don't misunderstand this, I am looking forward to so many things about the future - near and far - but I also know what a good thing I have right now and I am hesitant for it to change.

So I just had to take a minute to write down that I noticed this moment of my life, that I love it, I appreciate it, and I will miss it when it trickles away into a different era.

Comrades

com·rade

  [kom-rad, -rid] noun

1.

a person who shares in one's activities, occupation, etc.;companion, associate, or friend.

It's been sometime now that the word comrade has popped into my head upon seeing the shenanigans my two children have been up to. In the past year these two have truly become companions, associates and friends; they share in each other's mischeifs and misfortunes, their successes and failures, they take care of each other, teach each other, fight with each other and love each other. They definitely share in one another's activities - such as...

vegging (ahh how we love the backyardigans),

snacking,
more snacking,
exploring,
taking in the general splendor of mother nature,
expressing love ("flower for you bel" "aww - thanks jacky"),
front porch sittin,
shopping (yes, jack is wearing girls shoes - if bel likes it, so does jack. yes, bel is wearing an adult shirt - i couldn't try on clothes without giving her a piece of the action),
being hot dogs,
more shopping / product testing,
more exploring,
leaf pile jumping - oh the leaf pile jumping,
inventing new comfy lounge locations,
observing heavy machinery,
scenic storytelling,
watching for dad to come home,
sneaking snacks in the storage room,
curling up by the heating vent,
chillin on the stairs,
showing off santa hats,
more vegging,
horse back riding (check out that mighty handsome steed),
playing together no matter the weather.

Watching these two interact and start to love each other has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It gives me hope for the future - hope that they will love and admire each other as I love and admire my own brothers and sister - hope that as life goes on they will be able to fill needs for each other that Ryan and I can't - hope that one more person will love them unconditionally and hope that they will love their new baby sister as much as they love each other.

Yep (in case you haven't heard), we're having a baby! We're getting excited to meet her sometime around July 1.

What can I say? these two have made me love and appreciate children, have been two of my greatest teachers, have showed me that parenting is the best way to become the person you need to be and that having kids is a great excuse to act like one.

And maybe adding a third won't be as hard as I thought, since these little comrades will have each other.

i love everybody in this town

Tonight as we were having our nightly cuddle and chat with Bel, winding down into sleep, she burst out with this great one liner...

"I love everybody in this town!"

I'm certain she was simply overcome by the lovely day she had with all her fun and loving relatives. She lives a charmed life this gal - here's how i imagine the day from her perspective...

breakfast with dad

grandpa ned pushes her in the swing in the kitchen (that's right - just like it sounds - they installed a swing next to kitchen for the grandkids)

hairdo from grandma cindy while playing games on the phone

play with all the toys we don't have at our house

then off to church with her cousins where this little guy was blessed

what a special day - i love the way rites of passage bring us all together. just a few short minutes to name and bless a new babe, but the people come to be there, to hear it, to see him, to hold him, to eat and make merry with the rest of the fam. (ok that was my perspective, now back to bel's)

fresh fruit, a whole countertop of treats, and cousins to play with for hours

cuddles from grandma karen

jokes from grandpa gordon

more playing with cousins

mom and dad coax her into the car

back to grandma cindy's where another batch of cousins is waiting - ready and excited to play, play, play till a last minute, pre-bedtime dinner of her new favorite... chicken nuggets!

then to bed for story time with mom, dad and jack

seriously, no wonder she loves everyone in this town, because there certainly are a lot of people who love her.

seizing the moment

saturday was a lovely fall day here in ohio - it felt like summer - 80's i think. we had a fantastic family day together, which included a local farm's fall festival...

there were donuts involved, as well as farm animals to pet and best of all (according to the kids) throwing stuff in the pond,

a firepit dinner at home...

jack is a complete pyromaniac - he can't get enough.

it was amazing, because all day long we got this guy

(gosh he's handsome!)

ryan is at a point in his school career when he has to make every moment count (several months of moments). he has been pushing and studying and working so hard, i could go on and on about him, but i'll just say i'm so proud of him - he is my hero. he is my hero for seizing so many moments like this one...

ryan has been talking about a sleepover on the trampoline all summer, but it just hasn't ever worked out. on saturday he got called in to the hospital around 7pm, when he got home at 12:37 he woke me up to let me know he was home and that he and bel were going to sleep on the trampoline. on this unseasonably warm october evening (still 63 at midnight - for the record) he decided to seize the moment - he got a giant pile of blankets ready, snuck into bel's room to wake her with a gentle invitation that she simply couldn't resist. when jack woke up in the morning we couldn't wait to head outside and crash the party.

as it turns out - this is one of my all-time favorite family memories. we cuddled against the chill october morning and spent more than an hour talking, giggling and telling stories. occassionally the kids would creep out of the covers to jump and run circles around us and then retreat to the pile of blankets to warm up. it was one of those prolonged moments that i reveled in, disbelieving that these beautiful people around me were really mine. and that's how i feel - they are mine - i can't think of anything i am more invested in, involved in, in love with or connected to. as i watched bel and jack running (in their matching jammies) i saw an invisible string between us - a connection soul to soul - that can't be broken by anything - ever. both of those little ragamuffin bodies were created from pieces of me and pieces of ryan, they grew inside me, reluctantly left me and ever since then we have been pouring the best that is in us - into them. they are a product of their parents and i could see it so clearly in that moment - like the quirks, traits and tendencies they inherited from us were all right there on the surface, their personalities, expressions and humors spilling out for us to see... and it was a beautiful sight.

i know that someday we won't be pouring ourselves into them, we'll be sending them off to fill little vessels of their own, and they'll return now and then for renewing drops. but for now we are their world and even then they will be mine.

creating

i love the creative process. it is one of the most rewarding things i do in my life... create things. i'm not just talking big things like, oh, humans for instance, but anything - i love creating a meal, a blog post, music, an art project with bel, a clean kitchen - ahhhh - it's good for the soul to create - to let our true selves out - the masses of energy, creativity, frustration and emotion that build up inside - out into the world to be seen or heard or felt in some way.

today i sat down at the piano to plink out a new song (a simple one since my sight-reading skills are nearly nil) and after a few times through, the melody started to stand out against the stumbling and i could hear the notes link together into a cheerful, springy message. that was when the joy of creating really sunk in and i felt a thrill rise up inside and bubble out as a super satisfied smile.

and i realized that is my favorite part - when something starts to take shape, it's not finished but it's far enough along that you know it's going to be worthwhile. you feel the satisfaction of getting this far and you see the potential that lies ahead and you're at this lovely spot in creation where it just feels good.

tonight i looked over at the wall to see blue marker all over it right by jack. so i look at him with my mean mom face and using my mean mom voice i ask, "jaaack, did you write on the wall?" (scowl) he looks at the wall... and looks at me... and in his sweet, binky muffled voice says "yep" like it aint no thang. I guess he enjoys creating things too - mostly messes - but i suppose i can't begrudge him that.

(seriously, how could i not laugh my head off instead of get mad - look at this dapper diaper dude!)

fall...and other changes

last night, i smelled fall in the air and this morning... it was still there. that faint, crisp, smoky freshness that says it's time for soup and sweaters and lovely afternoons. i'm so excited for fall -fall is a good time, a time that reminds me how good and beautiful change can be.

and that's exactly what i needed today... some soup and a reminder that change is a good thing.

today the hormones of pms were grinding on my nerves and on my emotions and on my patience, i enflamed the situation with my own decisions, until i just needed to cry - that's all, just a good cry. so i snuck away to sob into my pillow when my favorite trio of folks came in and found me, thinking i was playing hide and seek - nope - ryan soon figured out i wasn't, but the kids were not so quick. i'm not sure if bel has ever heard me cry like this and i hear her whispering repeatedly, "what happened? what happened? dad, ask her what happened?" jack is talking up a storm these days, not whispering, and i hear him chiming in (as he often does when he hears someone crying) "happen? happen?" (with a long, soft, drawn out a - so sweet). it was all quite hilarious really, but it did interrupt my therapy which meant i continued to leak throughout the day and here's why... my kids are growing up. (despite ryan's constant pleading tease to bel, "bel promise me you'll stop growing up" and her constant cheerful, determined reply, "i will grow up! i'll turn 4 and then 5 and then 6...and then i'll be 10!" today she looked at ryan mercifully and said, "i'll try not to grow up today")

(these experiences today may not seem earth shatteringly tearful, but they both stood out against the day and said "hi mom, i'm learning and changing, isn't it great!" - they are incredibly special and i'm writing them down so i never forget)

bel had a friend's birthday party today. when the present was all wrapped up, she grabbed a marker and told me she was going to write mallory's name. i told her the letters and watched her, laying on her belly, holding a marker, working out each letter as i said it, with no assistance from me, until a reminder on what a Y looks like. aside from a few workbook pages together, i don't even remember teaching her to write letters, and there she was... writing. and i shed a tear or two.

during the party, jack and i went to the library to refill our bag of stories for the week. he stayed relatively close as i picked through the shelves, teasing and giggling as we went, when we got to the wall lined with little chairs, just his size. he climbed up, sat down and with his hand on the seat next to him said, slow, focussed and clear "sit. by. me." and smiled. and then just like his goofy, trickster self... wouldn't let me sit there. i welled up, and then he made me laugh.

so i just need to remember that it's ok to say farewell to some of the characteristics, habits, funny mispronunciations and quirks that my kids are growing out of, just like it's okay to say farewell to the sunshine of summer, because i get to be refreshed by the crisp smokiness of fall and the more grown up charms of my kids as they approach and pass a few milestones, because change is a good thing and some soup, a cozy sweater and a dose of cuddling will make it all a whole lot better.