because we can all use a little more honesty

disclaimer :

i know the following is insanely personal (and in all honesty only a glimpse of the way i feel sometimes) but i feel strongly that i should share this. this is not a cry for help nor am i posting this so anyone will feel sorry for me, in fact just the opposite, i want you to be happy that i have these days, because let's be honest - everyone does, they probably just don't blog about it.

some days i feel frumpy or unattractive or dumb or socially incompetent or all of the above. But some days I feel like a bad mom and those are my least favorite days because when i feel like a bad mom it goes straight to my heart and when i look in the mirror it doesn't matter if i'm thin or lovely or a college graduate or charismatic, because when i feel like a bad mom that's when i feel like a failure.

i'm not talking about the days when bel eats too much candy and i watch too much tv or when jack spends the day in the swing because i'm too tired or too busy or too something to play with him - those aren't particularly good days - but the days when i truly feel like a bad mom are the days when i feel raging frustration surge through me at the sound of Bel's 10th breakdown in 2 hours, when i control my emotions as lousily as my tender 2 yr old and hypocritically flip out right back at her or judge her for feeling and/or acting the same way i do. the days when i feel like that cartoon character with the shaking red face and smoke coming out of his ears after i hold my tantrumming daughter down so i can brush her teeth. the days when i dread jack waking up from his naps or, heaven forbid, needing to be held or played with. the days when i feel embarrassed by my toddler's behavior wondering if it's my fault. the days when i feel that a good mom would know why her baby is crying and fix it lovingly and promptly. the days when my patience is short (or nonexistent), my nerves are raw and my emotions are close to the surface. the days when i realize that i'm not as strong and independent as i'd like to be, when i have to admit that i can't do anything alone.

this morning was one of those days. i don't know why i have these days, they are not triggered by anything, they are not created by a formulaic circumstance and they are not predictable, but i have these days... and it's okay. they come to all of us.

my favorite application of this situation is "it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things"(2 nephi 2:11). it doesn't have to be a bad mom day, it can be anything that makes you feel just plain lousy, but like it or not discomfort, sadness, sickness, loneliness and bad (mom) days are all things we need, because without them we wouldn't recognize and enjoy comfort, joy, health, friendship and good (mom) days.

tomorrow is going to be a good day.

the other day it rained

i love to watch rain storms and i've often sat inside my warm, dry house and thought, "wouldn't it be great to go dance in the rain?" and then i continue to sit in my warm, dry house.

well, the other day we were outside playing and it started to sprinkle, then drizzle, then pour and we just kept on playing.

we got wet and it was so delightful. i can't remember the last time being barefoot felt so nice.

a warm summer rain, some adequate splashing puddles and a couple kids who were up for the adventure - an experience definitely worth repeating.

just in case you are wondering...

...i have zero buyer's remorse about this trampoline. when bel wakes up in the morning, when we get home from being out, when she wakes up from her nap, and every moment in between i hear, "can we go jump on the trampoline?" and the great part is i pretty much never have to say no - i just zip her in and go clean the house because i can see and hear her out the window - yep, that's exactly what kind of parent i am. seriously though, we've had so many good times on this new toy as a family and it's only been a week - i love it!

and ...we are sleeping much better around here. the first night of sleep training i busted out the pack n play prepared to sleep on the couch and hopefully not torture everyone else, but bel wanted jack to sleep in her room so we went for it and that champion little boy slept from 9pm - 7am! i was amazed and grateful and worried that he wouldn't be breathing and felt like a new woman. he hasn't performed as well since, but we're getting there.

here we go again

for the past 6 months I've been living off of 1-4 hour chunks of sleep and it's been a while now that every morning I wake up and I'm just plain tired - day after day after day...

... and that's exactly the kind of motivation that I need - tonight is the night that jack's sleep training begins. wish me luck and sweet dreams!

trampoline!

we may not be homeowners yet, but we are livin' the American dream!

Woot woot!! Ryan is probably right when he says I'm more excited than Bel - I ask you... how can I not be??? eeeeeee - oh how I've longed for this day

it's that time of year...

...when bel asks for tomatoes as a snack.

It is such a thrill for me to go to the farmer's market - load up on fresh produce and eat it with my two year old! it's one of those actibities that's good for my soul. now we can eat cookie dough and watch a movie tonight.

the way Sundays should be

Last night was one of those nights - I think in our best stretch of sleep was an hour... maybe. But today is Sunday and Sundays should be good days and let's just say the Sabbath did not dissapoint

church

a much needed 2 hour family nap

scrumptious dinner (no good day is complete without good food)

(recipe found here - easy, refreshing, fresh basil is a must - yum!)

play time

baths

stories

cuddling

and now I'm about to sit down next to my honey, with a big bowl of fresh strawberries and cream and watch the next food network star (i am such a sucker for this show - love it!)

I ask you... does it get any better than this???

jack's noise of the day - what a charmer!