a few things i want to remember

it's nothing short of a miracle that i am finally getting my act together enough to finally put some thoughts down on the blog.  here's hoping that my next break won't be quite so long.

tonight i've been going through photos of the last year.  we are just 20 days shy of Sage being a member of our family for 1 year.  It's been quite a year and there are a few things I'd like to remember.

First, this little gem.

I remember the feeling of this moment so well.  This was taken the day before I was going to be induced to bring Sage into this world.  We were about to end a month of time off with Ryan.  It was a blissful month of family time, filled with lazy mornings, fire pit evenings, mario playing in the heat of the day and just hanging out together doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted - it was pretty amazing.  The next day would bring a new baby and the start of a demanding 5 year residency program for Ryan and the drastic reduction of our time spent together as a family.  It was the end of much anticipation to meet our girl and the relief that Ryan was about to begin his training for a job that he loves but wasn't always so sure he'd have the chance to do - we were in a moment of great emotion, the flood gates ready to burst, on the precipice of great change - and here i found myself snuggled up on the trampoline with every member of my little 4 person family, a common and exceedingly pleasant phenomenon that had happened many times in the last month, it brought me so much peace, and it felt so good, and so right, and yet i knew it was the last time it would be this way - it was a moment i wanted to last forever and at the same time couldn't wait for it to end.  I think we all felt a little like this - ready to burst.

My last pregnant supper, before the hard work of child birth.  yum - i love this meal.

and the next morning we were off.

i felt a little numb to all my emotions for the first few hours of the day and then, once the numbness wore off, my emotions hit me - the dam burst (the afore mentioned flood gates) and there i was, sitting on a hospital bed small talking with my nurse one moment and shaking with sobs the next - totally freaked out my nurse, but Ryan knew what was going on.  i was so grateful to have him there - truly my better half, my source of confidence in times of doubt and fear.  then a few tears and pushes and crazy moments later - there was Sage in all her fresh from heaven, messy, bluish, covered in bodily substances glory.

and i was so glad she was here.  i must be getting older, because i thought a little harder about the whole circle of life this time around, and i appreciated the experience a lot more and there were a lot more emotions.  i did a lot of this...

 
and this...

and this...

 and this...

 and so did ryan.

 we were happy she made the journey to mortality safely.

our bright eyed Sage

 even gramma karen got one of those tender moments.

this was a real tender moment for me too - watching my mom holding sage, a lot of it was just that my mom was there.  this was at the end of my second day in the hospital.  i had been in that little room all day, with my new baby in a plastic box they call a bassinet, my husband back to work, my older kids and my mom having fun without me, and the solitude was great for the hour that i got to take a long shower, but then i just got lonely and i wanted to be home.  and that's when ryan took the kids and my mom came to visit.  if you can't be at home, then being with someone you love is the next best thing.  I know i've said it before, but i have to say it again... there are just some things that only a mom can do.  and it still surprises me sometimes how much i still need my mom.  i'm feeling quite like an adult lately - i'm 30 years old for cryin out loud, i'm married with 3 children, i've been living away from my parent's home for a decade(ish) and yet, when my mom walked in that little florescent lit room, with its institutional furniture and sterile smell, i felt rescued by her presence - the sound of her uneven gate, her smell, her conversation - it was like a breath of fresh air to me.  and as i watched my mom, who has lived through and experienced much, hold my fresh baby who was so fragile and new in every way - i felt so blessed to be right in the middle of the timeline between these two strong spirits, following the example of one, in hopes of teaching and nurturing the other.  but really the line goes both ways, we all need each other no matter where we are in the process.

It was so interesting to see the way Belen and Jack welcomed Sage.  Jack was completely fascinated by her, while Bel's wariness was almost tangible.  

Bel moved in slowly and deliberately, taking her time to think over this new family member and the changes she was causing.  Over the last year Bel's slow and steady adjustment phase has created a solid foundation of love and she has become a fiercely loyal, dedicated, involved and protective older sister.  She is always looking out for Sage's best interest- sharing toys, making faces at her to cheer her up in the car, climbing in her crib to play with her when she wakes up and i am busy doing other things, blocking her from her brother's oblivious toddler violence.  I almost never have to ask Bel to help me with Sage because she just does it on her own.  When Jack met Sage, he was hooked, couldn't get enough of her, always wanting to touch her, hold her, sit next to her, watch her.  It was such a genuine fascination and pure delight in meeting his new baby sister and an absolute thrill to see as a parent.  Over the last year, the novelty has worn off for Jack and he has accepted Sage as a worthy and vital part of our family.  When his older, stronger, wrestle/play buddy is not around Jack and Sage have had some fun interactive moments - playing with cars or dinosaurs, chasing each other and playing hide and seek, and even cuddling - they have a promising friendship ahead.  

With Bel, there were a lot of times like this.

She would slide into where Sage was and just sit or lay next to her.

And with Jack, there were a lot of times like this.  

He just wanted to be involved with her, be where she was, "help" me feed her or put her to sleep.

I always love seeing Ryan put our new babies into the car seat for the first time.

He does everything so gently and so intentionally, finely balancing their need for safety with their fragility.  This so encompasses him as a father.  He takes his responsibility to protect and to provide so seriously, but he does it with such loving care - being a father is not just his role, it is his pleasure.  he loves his children with sincerity and depth, thinking on their basic needs, and always seeking for their happiness.  all that from a little seat belt buckling.

the future looks pretty bright from here... and that's something i want to remember too

Fall Revisited

Today I raked our leaves.  I love raking leaves.  I love playing in leaves, but this year was kind of a let down in the leaf department.  Our leaves fell late and once they were on the ground they were promptly rained on for 10 days straight.  This year they went straight into the bags - so sad.

As I dumped them in I thought about last year and how we worked our way through the yard making piles and piles and piles - playing, hiding, nesting, throwing, cuddling, stomping, pretending - and filling bags as we went - 38 bags, bags taller than Bel.  We spent a lot of hours enjoying our leaves and we loved every minute of it.

So today I'm definitely disappointed to see all our leaves meet their demise at the blade of the mower or the darkness of a giant brown paper sack - the poor things didn't get to meet the full measure of their creation.  Fallen leaves play an important role in making a full, lived, happy childhood.  I remember walking down the street and making sure I crunched through as many leaves as possible on my trek home from the bus.  I remember finding and pressing the loveliest and most colorful fall leaves with my mama.  I remember making a pile in my parent's front yard with my friend Andie (although, I'm sure my mom actually did the work), then we got 2 long sleds and made a little coffin inside the pile - we took turns burying each other, then we popped out of it yelling, over and over and over again.  It never got old.  I'd do it again this year... if I had dry, non-moldy leaves... and two long sleds... and if Andie still lived a door away.

I love fall.  I love when the air feels crisp and smells smokey - I love when the leaves change color - I love when the wind blows and sends the leaves flying and falling to the ground - I loved collecting leaves with my mama and now I love collecting leaves with my daughter - I loved crunching my way home through the leaves and now I love crunching the leaves around our home with my son - I loved playing in the leaves with my friend and I still do.  I love raking leaves.

So cheers to fall - past, present and future.

These photos and videos are from last year and some of my all time favorite memories with the kids.

We had lots of fun watching the pros with their big trucks.  There was a line of 5 of these that steadily worked their way down our street all week, cutting off branches and grinding them up - it was awesome.

Bel is pretending to read a story to Jack - she even has her hands in the shape of a book. They sat here for at least 30 minutes telling stories.

I really stressed out my computer trying to upload all these at the same time, but I couldn't resist.  I love the pure unbridled laughter of my kids in the first one.  I love Bel talking to the camera in the second one.  I love the interaction of my kids in the third one. And I just think the last one is hilarious.

Take Note

Tonight, I'm surrounded by clutter and messiness and a long list of things i have to do - So much of the time, the things that I have to do keep me from doing the things that I need to do - but not tonight.

Sage... Sage is the reason I sat down to write tonight - she... is my favorite baby, not because she is better than my other babies, not because I love her more, but because I am older and I know how to enjoy her more.  Tonight when I told Ryan tonight - he aptly said, "it's because we're on the downhill slope" we may only have one more after this and I think I feel that in my soul.  I feel so deeply my connection to my children - they are so much a part of me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - they are my life's work and I love them, but this time with them is so finite, so fleeting.  This is not something I knew or understood when I held Bel in my arms for the first time, nor when I held Jack (or more appropriately, put him in his swing), I'm certain I still don't understand it completely, but I do realize how soon it will be that Sage will be too big to swaddle and too restless to cuddle during the day - I know that baby smell will fade away and her skin will not be quite so soft.  When I hold her in my arms, I know her eyes will change and she won't stare at me contentedly for as long as I can hold her gaze, I know she will not stay this way for long.  I believe Sage is Heavenly Father's reminder to me to open my eyes and see my children - to put down my phone, turn off the tv, leave the dishes in the sink - to take note of what's going on around me and make a record of it so I can enjoy it when it's gone.  And hopefully I will, but at least today I did.

The front window of our house is a bay window - 5 panes that curve out just enough so there is a ledge big enough for the kids to sit on.  Everyday they sit on it - they watch the garbage men take our trash and recycling, they watch the school bus pick up and drop off the neighbors, they pretend the window knobs are phones, they pretend the ledge is a bed, there's always something going on on the ledge.

Bel still says "yittle" instead of little - there are plenty of times she fakes baby talk, but this one is genuine and i love it, and i'll miss it when she figures out that little starts with an L

Jack says "my" instead of "I" - everyday, about a hundred times I hear him say - my am coming mom! - my am not Jack, my am dinosaur! - my am doin sumping! (yes, exclamation points are necessary - he often yells these responses and even his normal speaking voice is an unusually high decibel)

When Bel prays she has always started "thank you father" - I've never corrected her because I love the reminder that all our prayers should start with gratitude - there are many times she just says thanks from the beginning of her prayer to the end and never asks for anything - this week she figured it out and has started her prayers with "heavenly father"

All our bedrooms are upstairs in this house and every morning when Jack wakes up he comes straight down our squeaky, wooden staircase for breakfast - he slams both feet on the step then drags his bum down to plop on the stair - I always know when he's coming because i hear a slam, slide, bam - slam, slide, bam - down each of the 11 steps

Jack has been a bit of an early riser these days and is always up before Bel, plus Bel is going to preschool 3 times a week for 3 hours - she loves being together and when she comes downstairs or rejoins us after school, she frequently asks - "what did you guys do without me?" She (we) is still adjusting to being apart and missing some of the action.

Bel and Jack love each other - they pretend they are animals or dinosaurs, teacher and student, they have "houses" and "hideouts" all over the house.  They also fight a healthy amount.  Bel's favorite sibling rivalry attack is kicking or a nice, direct mean spirited poke - Jack's is hitting and persistent, thorough space invasion

Bel loves to collect treasures - knick knacks and doo dads, anything miniature or sparkly, rocks and flowers, business cards, tiny toys, tags - she fills boxes and drawers and bags (she loves zip loc bags - with the zipper and would use 5 a day if I would let her) - then she likes to just keep them somewhere and know that she has treasure.  Jack likes to find these treasure stashes and dump them out and go through the items.  This always results in tears from Bel.

They've figured out how awesome it is to wear a giant shirt for jammies

For the record...

3 months ago today - #3 was born – Sage.  Oh how we love her.

She arrived June 27 at 2:26pm - 6 lbs 13 oz, 20 in

Where do I begin?  It’s been an eventful 3 months and there have been many days when she has been the eye of the storm for me.  Amid my worries, stresses, impatience – despite my to do list or my shortcomings – in the middle of the chaos that may surround me, there is Sage - sweet and pure, soft and warm, with clear infant eyes to look into and remind me what really matters.

She didn’t make us wait too long.  I was induced and she made the trip in about 5 ½ hours.  We were really happy to see her.

Sage is a natural at life.  In her first weeks she took great pleasure in sleeping, eating and being held by mom, dad, jack, bel and gramma karen.

As the weeks went by she shared her clear bright eyes more and more.  They are one of my favorite things about her.

We've enjoyed some tender moments with her and she's been a good sport about everything we've thrown her way.

Nowadays - she is smiling up a storm, loves holding our hands to stand, is learning to coo and is hardest to get to sleep at night (I like to think it is because bel and jack have gone to bed and they are her white noise, she kind of needs them.  There are days when I think, “poor sage, she has to get her naps amid the chaos of the rest of her family” so I’ll try to put her to sleep upstairs in her quiet room with no luck and as soon as I surrender and bring her back downstairs with us, she falls right to sleep.  She must be too lonely without all that noise.)

That’s our Sage - She is a breath of fresh air and I think she is just lovely.

Costa Rica

About 7 ½ years ago, Ryan and I got married – we talked about taking a real honeymoon and the week after Easter… we did – honeymoon/babymoon/graduation celebration/ rock-your-world-no-kids trip.  My mom came out and took care of the kids while Ryan and I went to Costa Rica – I was so glad she came a few days early – it was so fun to spend some time together, but honestly I was so worried about leaving the kiddos for 8 days (the first time ever for more than 24 hours!) that I think I was a little scattered and distracted mentally and emotionally.  After the first video chat with her and the kids my mind and heart were set at ease.  Bel was as excited to push the button to hang up as she was about talking to her parents – so with my guilt and worry gone I moved on to enjoy some serious rest and relaxation.  When we got home, Bel told Ryan that they had more fun with gramma than we did in Costa Rica – I'm glad it was such a happy week for all of us.

We quickly adapted to the near equatorial sun schedule – sunrise at 5am, sunset at 6pm – we were asleep by 10 (at the latest) and strolling the beach / surfing every morning by 6 (at the latest). 

I wrote how I felt on day 2 of our blissful trip so I'll insert that here...

I heard a study about memory somewhere that talked about why our "firsts" memories and childhood memories are so much more vivid than the ones that follow - we remember the first times : first time skiing, first surprise party, first time to the beach - those kinds of things because our senses are not accustomed to the things we are seeing, hearing and experiencing, we have no prior storage of those kinds and because of this our mind opens a special place for them to be stored and recognized and we get to enjoy the novelty of a new experience.

Here we are in costa rica and while I've been south of the border before and to the beach and what not, this trip is just different and new and thrilling to me in so many ways that I feel like a kid at my first surprise birthday party.  I am completely taken in and enthralled by the warmth and smell and feel of the air that envelopes me, my ears tickle at the sounds of the jungle wildlife, i get a thrill at seeing monkeys climbing in the trees just off the back balcony of our hotel, spying an iguana slinking in the branches and bobbing his head at the approaching competition and the crabs that scurry in and out of little holes around me on the beach.  My first swim in the ocean was alone and free of crowds, spectators and competition for space - the sand felt like walking on warm, wet velvet and the ocean water truly has a texture of it's own, full of salt and sand and swirling currents and bubbles, all tickling you as it pulls you this way and that.

The food, where do i even begin with the food?? I loved every meal we ate there – oh and what do ya know – I also took a photo of every meal.  (this is mostly for myself to look back at and reminisce and for my dad, who frequently sends me photos of what he’s eating... because we bond over food. please note how embarassingly stoked I am in every photo with a plate of food- sheesh).

Best. Diet Coke. Ever.

I felt like I could be on a commercial with the cold, condensation covered, glass bottle in my hand, clinking cheers with my love in a scenic tropical location, tipping the cool cola down my parched throat and sighing a refreshed breath as it flowed into my system, reinvigorating my tired body with its subtle hint of caffeine - Ahhh.  (yes – it was that good)

Let me mention here, that if anyone needs an escort to find this place, Ryan and I may be persuaded to join you because it is tricky to get there and it helps to have a Spanish speaker by your side – I’m just sayin…

I took my mama to the airport and sent her off the day after we got home.  It was a quick farewell and I was sad to see her go, but there have been many happy traces of her presence: her comb in my car, her sweet smelling lotion in my bathroom, leftover cauliflower soup in the fridge (hers is always better than mine), art projects on the wall that I didn’t initiate, wheat grass growing in the kitchen, a sweet note just for us, and my favorite… Bel and Jack keep calling me gramma and sharing the memories of all the things they did together.  There are just some things only a mom can do.  So often I think about myself as the mom and caretaker, but these traces remind me, that my mom is still taking care of me – I still jump at the chance to eat her home cooked meals, lean on her shoulder and listen to a story, and hear her say good night as I curl up in bed – I guess there are some things I’ll never grow out of.  Thanks Mom!

A week in Costa Rica with my honey and some sweet moments with my mom were the most renewing medicine I could ask for at this point in my life.

these are the days

Today, I’m frustrated.
Frustrated with my kids, mad at my kids.

It’s been a while now that the stresses and responsibilities, worries and moods of life have been building up on my shoulders and weighing me down and I have really been needing some relief and renewal, some moments to exercise, or have uninterrupted conversations with my friends, maybe a date night or best of all, a weekend of spiritual enrichment. And it just seems that every time one of these opportunities arises I can’t take advantage of it because of my kids. Today was the straw that made me break and I know I shouldn’t blame my kids, but I do – it is their fault! It is because of them that I can’t exercise when I need some stress relief or fresh air, it is because of them that I can’t call up or sit down with a fellow female for some conversation, why Ryan and I can’t go out on a whim, why when that special semi-annual weekend rolls around that I can’t sit down and listen to general conference and be spiritually guided and uplifted, it is because of my kids that I can’t! I’ve been let down so many times in the last couple weeks - times when my expectations have risen at the prospect of renewal only to be dashed by the neediness of my children. So I’ve been trying really hard to reconcile all this in my head and while all that I’ve said is true, it is also true that it is because of my kids that I do get so much unplanned exercise and fresh air, it is because of them that I have so much to talk about with some of my favorite women, why dates can be such a welcome and wonderful escape, and why I personally have learned to love my Heavenly Father and Savior so much more and part of why I want to draw nearer to them. It is because of my kids. And while it doesn’t change the fact that they make lots of things in my life harder, they also make life in general more rewarding.

So I’ll just keep relying on the people and the god that I love, I’ll keep learning from my kids, I’ll slam a few doors, shed a few tears, take some deep breaths and enjoy (or endure) this day/moment/stage for what it is, knowing that these are the days that contribute to my character development and that tonight will be an early bedtime and I’ll get my renewal around 8:30pm EST.

...and if you were actually hoping to see some fun photos and captivating tales of what we've been doing (rather than what I've been thinking) don't give up hope, I'll stop philosiphizing some day soon and post about our adventures instead :)