dirt under my nails

tonight after bedtime i went out to the garden to weed.  there are lots of weeds.  they have seriously stifled our carrots, they are as tall as our pepper plants and would make a lovely green carpet if it didn't happen to be where i'd like to see rich brown earth instead.  this garden is one of the most rewarding things i've ever done.
it started as a conversation in the cold of winter, all of us sitting around talking about the coming of spring and what we were going to plant in our garden.  tomatoes are an obvious must, basil it's delicious sandwich companion, peas are both scrumptious and sentimental to ryan, bell peppers to make gramma karen's pastrami sandwiches, a jalapeno plant to make mandy's turkey burgers, zucchini for summer succotash, exotic broccoli and colorful carrots from carolyn and green beans just because.  we plotted, we planned, we prepared, we tilled

and one warm day in may, we planted - bel in planting seeds in her swim suit,

jack building a railroad track with the tomato stakes, sage snacking in her walker, ryan finding every possible free space to plant more peas

and me loving every minute of the warm dirt under my bare feet, surrounded by the people i love.

a few short days later jack noticed our first pea sprouts,

he's frequently wandering outside during/after breakfast and one day he ran in yelling, "our food is growing!" the green beans were quick to follow, then the broccoli and i'm still not convinced that our hesitant carrots will ever make it to the table.

the garden has brought us together, maybe only for a few minutes at a time, but it's always time well spent.  we often gather outside by the garden, looking for our first red tomatoes (trying (and failing) to beat the birds to them), surveying the growth of our plants, watching them change, getting excited by the progress.  and such is life - we are planted here to grow, to change and to progress.
my favorite conversation sparked by the garden was from bel - "mom, how do they make seeds?" we talked about how we don't make seeds, plants make their own seeds.  I love this element of God's plan, a crucial detail in his creation - that every living thing carry a seed within itself. so brilliant.
today we had sun and rain, so tonight as i weeded everything was extra fresh, I could smell the tomato vine as i worked, more and more dirt collecting under my nails, and then a rabbit hopped past me, right through my backyard, it paused for a moment next to me (no doubt taking note of the green tomatoes it will come back to steal later) and then it was off again.  as i sit down to write this the fireflies are out and our backyard feels like my own personal paradise.  there are popsicle sticks strewn about, and plastic cups, unplanted herbs (still in the flat), toys scattered around the yard and a garden that is still populated with grass and weeds along with the vegetables, it's not ready for a magazine shoot of paradise, but i love it with all my heart.  it captures the good in my life, it reminds me of the people that live here, play here, visit here, and work here.  it is a reminder that though God gives us many gifts, those gifts require work.  it is through work that we grow and change and progress - as we work we learn and develop self worth and find joy.  our garden is not eden, our garden grows weeds and we will definitely gather this food by the sweat of our brow.  so it's a good thing, to have a little dirt under my nails.

a few things i want to remember

it's nothing short of a miracle that i am finally getting my act together enough to finally put some thoughts down on the blog.  here's hoping that my next break won't be quite so long.

tonight i've been going through photos of the last year.  we are just 20 days shy of Sage being a member of our family for 1 year.  It's been quite a year and there are a few things I'd like to remember.

First, this little gem.

I remember the feeling of this moment so well.  This was taken the day before I was going to be induced to bring Sage into this world.  We were about to end a month of time off with Ryan.  It was a blissful month of family time, filled with lazy mornings, fire pit evenings, mario playing in the heat of the day and just hanging out together doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted - it was pretty amazing.  The next day would bring a new baby and the start of a demanding 5 year residency program for Ryan and the drastic reduction of our time spent together as a family.  It was the end of much anticipation to meet our girl and the relief that Ryan was about to begin his training for a job that he loves but wasn't always so sure he'd have the chance to do - we were in a moment of great emotion, the flood gates ready to burst, on the precipice of great change - and here i found myself snuggled up on the trampoline with every member of my little 4 person family, a common and exceedingly pleasant phenomenon that had happened many times in the last month, it brought me so much peace, and it felt so good, and so right, and yet i knew it was the last time it would be this way - it was a moment i wanted to last forever and at the same time couldn't wait for it to end.  I think we all felt a little like this - ready to burst.

My last pregnant supper, before the hard work of child birth.  yum - i love this meal.

and the next morning we were off.

i felt a little numb to all my emotions for the first few hours of the day and then, once the numbness wore off, my emotions hit me - the dam burst (the afore mentioned flood gates) and there i was, sitting on a hospital bed small talking with my nurse one moment and shaking with sobs the next - totally freaked out my nurse, but Ryan knew what was going on.  i was so grateful to have him there - truly my better half, my source of confidence in times of doubt and fear.  then a few tears and pushes and crazy moments later - there was Sage in all her fresh from heaven, messy, bluish, covered in bodily substances glory.

and i was so glad she was here.  i must be getting older, because i thought a little harder about the whole circle of life this time around, and i appreciated the experience a lot more and there were a lot more emotions.  i did a lot of this...

 
and this...

and this...

 and this...

 and so did ryan.

 we were happy she made the journey to mortality safely.

our bright eyed Sage

 even gramma karen got one of those tender moments.

this was a real tender moment for me too - watching my mom holding sage, a lot of it was just that my mom was there.  this was at the end of my second day in the hospital.  i had been in that little room all day, with my new baby in a plastic box they call a bassinet, my husband back to work, my older kids and my mom having fun without me, and the solitude was great for the hour that i got to take a long shower, but then i just got lonely and i wanted to be home.  and that's when ryan took the kids and my mom came to visit.  if you can't be at home, then being with someone you love is the next best thing.  I know i've said it before, but i have to say it again... there are just some things that only a mom can do.  and it still surprises me sometimes how much i still need my mom.  i'm feeling quite like an adult lately - i'm 30 years old for cryin out loud, i'm married with 3 children, i've been living away from my parent's home for a decade(ish) and yet, when my mom walked in that little florescent lit room, with its institutional furniture and sterile smell, i felt rescued by her presence - the sound of her uneven gate, her smell, her conversation - it was like a breath of fresh air to me.  and as i watched my mom, who has lived through and experienced much, hold my fresh baby who was so fragile and new in every way - i felt so blessed to be right in the middle of the timeline between these two strong spirits, following the example of one, in hopes of teaching and nurturing the other.  but really the line goes both ways, we all need each other no matter where we are in the process.

It was so interesting to see the way Belen and Jack welcomed Sage.  Jack was completely fascinated by her, while Bel's wariness was almost tangible.  

Bel moved in slowly and deliberately, taking her time to think over this new family member and the changes she was causing.  Over the last year Bel's slow and steady adjustment phase has created a solid foundation of love and she has become a fiercely loyal, dedicated, involved and protective older sister.  She is always looking out for Sage's best interest- sharing toys, making faces at her to cheer her up in the car, climbing in her crib to play with her when she wakes up and i am busy doing other things, blocking her from her brother's oblivious toddler violence.  I almost never have to ask Bel to help me with Sage because she just does it on her own.  When Jack met Sage, he was hooked, couldn't get enough of her, always wanting to touch her, hold her, sit next to her, watch her.  It was such a genuine fascination and pure delight in meeting his new baby sister and an absolute thrill to see as a parent.  Over the last year, the novelty has worn off for Jack and he has accepted Sage as a worthy and vital part of our family.  When his older, stronger, wrestle/play buddy is not around Jack and Sage have had some fun interactive moments - playing with cars or dinosaurs, chasing each other and playing hide and seek, and even cuddling - they have a promising friendship ahead.  

With Bel, there were a lot of times like this.

She would slide into where Sage was and just sit or lay next to her.

And with Jack, there were a lot of times like this.  

He just wanted to be involved with her, be where she was, "help" me feed her or put her to sleep.

I always love seeing Ryan put our new babies into the car seat for the first time.

He does everything so gently and so intentionally, finely balancing their need for safety with their fragility.  This so encompasses him as a father.  He takes his responsibility to protect and to provide so seriously, but he does it with such loving care - being a father is not just his role, it is his pleasure.  he loves his children with sincerity and depth, thinking on their basic needs, and always seeking for their happiness.  all that from a little seat belt buckling.

the future looks pretty bright from here... and that's something i want to remember too

Fall Revisited

Today I raked our leaves.  I love raking leaves.  I love playing in leaves, but this year was kind of a let down in the leaf department.  Our leaves fell late and once they were on the ground they were promptly rained on for 10 days straight.  This year they went straight into the bags - so sad.

As I dumped them in I thought about last year and how we worked our way through the yard making piles and piles and piles - playing, hiding, nesting, throwing, cuddling, stomping, pretending - and filling bags as we went - 38 bags, bags taller than Bel.  We spent a lot of hours enjoying our leaves and we loved every minute of it.

So today I'm definitely disappointed to see all our leaves meet their demise at the blade of the mower or the darkness of a giant brown paper sack - the poor things didn't get to meet the full measure of their creation.  Fallen leaves play an important role in making a full, lived, happy childhood.  I remember walking down the street and making sure I crunched through as many leaves as possible on my trek home from the bus.  I remember finding and pressing the loveliest and most colorful fall leaves with my mama.  I remember making a pile in my parent's front yard with my friend Andie (although, I'm sure my mom actually did the work), then we got 2 long sleds and made a little coffin inside the pile - we took turns burying each other, then we popped out of it yelling, over and over and over again.  It never got old.  I'd do it again this year... if I had dry, non-moldy leaves... and two long sleds... and if Andie still lived a door away.

I love fall.  I love when the air feels crisp and smells smokey - I love when the leaves change color - I love when the wind blows and sends the leaves flying and falling to the ground - I loved collecting leaves with my mama and now I love collecting leaves with my daughter - I loved crunching my way home through the leaves and now I love crunching the leaves around our home with my son - I loved playing in the leaves with my friend and I still do.  I love raking leaves.

So cheers to fall - past, present and future.

These photos and videos are from last year and some of my all time favorite memories with the kids.

We had lots of fun watching the pros with their big trucks.  There was a line of 5 of these that steadily worked their way down our street all week, cutting off branches and grinding them up - it was awesome.

Bel is pretending to read a story to Jack - she even has her hands in the shape of a book. They sat here for at least 30 minutes telling stories.

I really stressed out my computer trying to upload all these at the same time, but I couldn't resist.  I love the pure unbridled laughter of my kids in the first one.  I love Bel talking to the camera in the second one.  I love the interaction of my kids in the third one. And I just think the last one is hilarious.

Take Note

Tonight, I'm surrounded by clutter and messiness and a long list of things i have to do - So much of the time, the things that I have to do keep me from doing the things that I need to do - but not tonight.

Sage... Sage is the reason I sat down to write tonight - she... is my favorite baby, not because she is better than my other babies, not because I love her more, but because I am older and I know how to enjoy her more.  Tonight when I told Ryan tonight - he aptly said, "it's because we're on the downhill slope" we may only have one more after this and I think I feel that in my soul.  I feel so deeply my connection to my children - they are so much a part of me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - they are my life's work and I love them, but this time with them is so finite, so fleeting.  This is not something I knew or understood when I held Bel in my arms for the first time, nor when I held Jack (or more appropriately, put him in his swing), I'm certain I still don't understand it completely, but I do realize how soon it will be that Sage will be too big to swaddle and too restless to cuddle during the day - I know that baby smell will fade away and her skin will not be quite so soft.  When I hold her in my arms, I know her eyes will change and she won't stare at me contentedly for as long as I can hold her gaze, I know she will not stay this way for long.  I believe Sage is Heavenly Father's reminder to me to open my eyes and see my children - to put down my phone, turn off the tv, leave the dishes in the sink - to take note of what's going on around me and make a record of it so I can enjoy it when it's gone.  And hopefully I will, but at least today I did.

The front window of our house is a bay window - 5 panes that curve out just enough so there is a ledge big enough for the kids to sit on.  Everyday they sit on it - they watch the garbage men take our trash and recycling, they watch the school bus pick up and drop off the neighbors, they pretend the window knobs are phones, they pretend the ledge is a bed, there's always something going on on the ledge.

Bel still says "yittle" instead of little - there are plenty of times she fakes baby talk, but this one is genuine and i love it, and i'll miss it when she figures out that little starts with an L

Jack says "my" instead of "I" - everyday, about a hundred times I hear him say - my am coming mom! - my am not Jack, my am dinosaur! - my am doin sumping! (yes, exclamation points are necessary - he often yells these responses and even his normal speaking voice is an unusually high decibel)

When Bel prays she has always started "thank you father" - I've never corrected her because I love the reminder that all our prayers should start with gratitude - there are many times she just says thanks from the beginning of her prayer to the end and never asks for anything - this week she figured it out and has started her prayers with "heavenly father"

All our bedrooms are upstairs in this house and every morning when Jack wakes up he comes straight down our squeaky, wooden staircase for breakfast - he slams both feet on the step then drags his bum down to plop on the stair - I always know when he's coming because i hear a slam, slide, bam - slam, slide, bam - down each of the 11 steps

Jack has been a bit of an early riser these days and is always up before Bel, plus Bel is going to preschool 3 times a week for 3 hours - she loves being together and when she comes downstairs or rejoins us after school, she frequently asks - "what did you guys do without me?" She (we) is still adjusting to being apart and missing some of the action.

Bel and Jack love each other - they pretend they are animals or dinosaurs, teacher and student, they have "houses" and "hideouts" all over the house.  They also fight a healthy amount.  Bel's favorite sibling rivalry attack is kicking or a nice, direct mean spirited poke - Jack's is hitting and persistent, thorough space invasion

Bel loves to collect treasures - knick knacks and doo dads, anything miniature or sparkly, rocks and flowers, business cards, tiny toys, tags - she fills boxes and drawers and bags (she loves zip loc bags - with the zipper and would use 5 a day if I would let her) - then she likes to just keep them somewhere and know that she has treasure.  Jack likes to find these treasure stashes and dump them out and go through the items.  This always results in tears from Bel.

They've figured out how awesome it is to wear a giant shirt for jammies

For the record...

3 months ago today - #3 was born – Sage.  Oh how we love her.

She arrived June 27 at 2:26pm - 6 lbs 13 oz, 20 in

Where do I begin?  It’s been an eventful 3 months and there have been many days when she has been the eye of the storm for me.  Amid my worries, stresses, impatience – despite my to do list or my shortcomings – in the middle of the chaos that may surround me, there is Sage - sweet and pure, soft and warm, with clear infant eyes to look into and remind me what really matters.

She didn’t make us wait too long.  I was induced and she made the trip in about 5 ½ hours.  We were really happy to see her.

Sage is a natural at life.  In her first weeks she took great pleasure in sleeping, eating and being held by mom, dad, jack, bel and gramma karen.

As the weeks went by she shared her clear bright eyes more and more.  They are one of my favorite things about her.

We've enjoyed some tender moments with her and she's been a good sport about everything we've thrown her way.

Nowadays - she is smiling up a storm, loves holding our hands to stand, is learning to coo and is hardest to get to sleep at night (I like to think it is because bel and jack have gone to bed and they are her white noise, she kind of needs them.  There are days when I think, “poor sage, she has to get her naps amid the chaos of the rest of her family” so I’ll try to put her to sleep upstairs in her quiet room with no luck and as soon as I surrender and bring her back downstairs with us, she falls right to sleep.  She must be too lonely without all that noise.)

That’s our Sage - She is a breath of fresh air and I think she is just lovely.