Take Note

Tonight, I'm surrounded by clutter and messiness and a long list of things i have to do - So much of the time, the things that I have to do keep me from doing the things that I need to do - but not tonight.

Sage... Sage is the reason I sat down to write tonight - she... is my favorite baby, not because she is better than my other babies, not because I love her more, but because I am older and I know how to enjoy her more.  Tonight when I told Ryan tonight - he aptly said, "it's because we're on the downhill slope" we may only have one more after this and I think I feel that in my soul.  I feel so deeply my connection to my children - they are so much a part of me - physically, emotionally, spiritually - they are my life's work and I love them, but this time with them is so finite, so fleeting.  This is not something I knew or understood when I held Bel in my arms for the first time, nor when I held Jack (or more appropriately, put him in his swing), I'm certain I still don't understand it completely, but I do realize how soon it will be that Sage will be too big to swaddle and too restless to cuddle during the day - I know that baby smell will fade away and her skin will not be quite so soft.  When I hold her in my arms, I know her eyes will change and she won't stare at me contentedly for as long as I can hold her gaze, I know she will not stay this way for long.  I believe Sage is Heavenly Father's reminder to me to open my eyes and see my children - to put down my phone, turn off the tv, leave the dishes in the sink - to take note of what's going on around me and make a record of it so I can enjoy it when it's gone.  And hopefully I will, but at least today I did.

The front window of our house is a bay window - 5 panes that curve out just enough so there is a ledge big enough for the kids to sit on.  Everyday they sit on it - they watch the garbage men take our trash and recycling, they watch the school bus pick up and drop off the neighbors, they pretend the window knobs are phones, they pretend the ledge is a bed, there's always something going on on the ledge.

Bel still says "yittle" instead of little - there are plenty of times she fakes baby talk, but this one is genuine and i love it, and i'll miss it when she figures out that little starts with an L

Jack says "my" instead of "I" - everyday, about a hundred times I hear him say - my am coming mom! - my am not Jack, my am dinosaur! - my am doin sumping! (yes, exclamation points are necessary - he often yells these responses and even his normal speaking voice is an unusually high decibel)

When Bel prays she has always started "thank you father" - I've never corrected her because I love the reminder that all our prayers should start with gratitude - there are many times she just says thanks from the beginning of her prayer to the end and never asks for anything - this week she figured it out and has started her prayers with "heavenly father"

All our bedrooms are upstairs in this house and every morning when Jack wakes up he comes straight down our squeaky, wooden staircase for breakfast - he slams both feet on the step then drags his bum down to plop on the stair - I always know when he's coming because i hear a slam, slide, bam - slam, slide, bam - down each of the 11 steps

Jack has been a bit of an early riser these days and is always up before Bel, plus Bel is going to preschool 3 times a week for 3 hours - she loves being together and when she comes downstairs or rejoins us after school, she frequently asks - "what did you guys do without me?" She (we) is still adjusting to being apart and missing some of the action.

Bel and Jack love each other - they pretend they are animals or dinosaurs, teacher and student, they have "houses" and "hideouts" all over the house.  They also fight a healthy amount.  Bel's favorite sibling rivalry attack is kicking or a nice, direct mean spirited poke - Jack's is hitting and persistent, thorough space invasion

Bel loves to collect treasures - knick knacks and doo dads, anything miniature or sparkly, rocks and flowers, business cards, tiny toys, tags - she fills boxes and drawers and bags (she loves zip loc bags - with the zipper and would use 5 a day if I would let her) - then she likes to just keep them somewhere and know that she has treasure.  Jack likes to find these treasure stashes and dump them out and go through the items.  This always results in tears from Bel.

They've figured out how awesome it is to wear a giant shirt for jammies

For the record...

3 months ago today - #3 was born – Sage.  Oh how we love her.

She arrived June 27 at 2:26pm - 6 lbs 13 oz, 20 in

Where do I begin?  It’s been an eventful 3 months and there have been many days when she has been the eye of the storm for me.  Amid my worries, stresses, impatience – despite my to do list or my shortcomings – in the middle of the chaos that may surround me, there is Sage - sweet and pure, soft and warm, with clear infant eyes to look into and remind me what really matters.

She didn’t make us wait too long.  I was induced and she made the trip in about 5 ½ hours.  We were really happy to see her.

Sage is a natural at life.  In her first weeks she took great pleasure in sleeping, eating and being held by mom, dad, jack, bel and gramma karen.

As the weeks went by she shared her clear bright eyes more and more.  They are one of my favorite things about her.

We've enjoyed some tender moments with her and she's been a good sport about everything we've thrown her way.

Nowadays - she is smiling up a storm, loves holding our hands to stand, is learning to coo and is hardest to get to sleep at night (I like to think it is because bel and jack have gone to bed and they are her white noise, she kind of needs them.  There are days when I think, “poor sage, she has to get her naps amid the chaos of the rest of her family” so I’ll try to put her to sleep upstairs in her quiet room with no luck and as soon as I surrender and bring her back downstairs with us, she falls right to sleep.  She must be too lonely without all that noise.)

That’s our Sage - She is a breath of fresh air and I think she is just lovely.

Costa Rica

About 7 ½ years ago, Ryan and I got married – we talked about taking a real honeymoon and the week after Easter… we did – honeymoon/babymoon/graduation celebration/ rock-your-world-no-kids trip.  My mom came out and took care of the kids while Ryan and I went to Costa Rica – I was so glad she came a few days early – it was so fun to spend some time together, but honestly I was so worried about leaving the kiddos for 8 days (the first time ever for more than 24 hours!) that I think I was a little scattered and distracted mentally and emotionally.  After the first video chat with her and the kids my mind and heart were set at ease.  Bel was as excited to push the button to hang up as she was about talking to her parents – so with my guilt and worry gone I moved on to enjoy some serious rest and relaxation.  When we got home, Bel told Ryan that they had more fun with gramma than we did in Costa Rica – I'm glad it was such a happy week for all of us.

We quickly adapted to the near equatorial sun schedule – sunrise at 5am, sunset at 6pm – we were asleep by 10 (at the latest) and strolling the beach / surfing every morning by 6 (at the latest). 

I wrote how I felt on day 2 of our blissful trip so I'll insert that here...

I heard a study about memory somewhere that talked about why our "firsts" memories and childhood memories are so much more vivid than the ones that follow - we remember the first times : first time skiing, first surprise party, first time to the beach - those kinds of things because our senses are not accustomed to the things we are seeing, hearing and experiencing, we have no prior storage of those kinds and because of this our mind opens a special place for them to be stored and recognized and we get to enjoy the novelty of a new experience.

Here we are in costa rica and while I've been south of the border before and to the beach and what not, this trip is just different and new and thrilling to me in so many ways that I feel like a kid at my first surprise birthday party.  I am completely taken in and enthralled by the warmth and smell and feel of the air that envelopes me, my ears tickle at the sounds of the jungle wildlife, i get a thrill at seeing monkeys climbing in the trees just off the back balcony of our hotel, spying an iguana slinking in the branches and bobbing his head at the approaching competition and the crabs that scurry in and out of little holes around me on the beach.  My first swim in the ocean was alone and free of crowds, spectators and competition for space - the sand felt like walking on warm, wet velvet and the ocean water truly has a texture of it's own, full of salt and sand and swirling currents and bubbles, all tickling you as it pulls you this way and that.

The food, where do i even begin with the food?? I loved every meal we ate there – oh and what do ya know – I also took a photo of every meal.  (this is mostly for myself to look back at and reminisce and for my dad, who frequently sends me photos of what he’s eating... because we bond over food. please note how embarassingly stoked I am in every photo with a plate of food- sheesh).

Best. Diet Coke. Ever.

I felt like I could be on a commercial with the cold, condensation covered, glass bottle in my hand, clinking cheers with my love in a scenic tropical location, tipping the cool cola down my parched throat and sighing a refreshed breath as it flowed into my system, reinvigorating my tired body with its subtle hint of caffeine - Ahhh.  (yes – it was that good)

Let me mention here, that if anyone needs an escort to find this place, Ryan and I may be persuaded to join you because it is tricky to get there and it helps to have a Spanish speaker by your side – I’m just sayin…

I took my mama to the airport and sent her off the day after we got home.  It was a quick farewell and I was sad to see her go, but there have been many happy traces of her presence: her comb in my car, her sweet smelling lotion in my bathroom, leftover cauliflower soup in the fridge (hers is always better than mine), art projects on the wall that I didn’t initiate, wheat grass growing in the kitchen, a sweet note just for us, and my favorite… Bel and Jack keep calling me gramma and sharing the memories of all the things they did together.  There are just some things only a mom can do.  So often I think about myself as the mom and caretaker, but these traces remind me, that my mom is still taking care of me – I still jump at the chance to eat her home cooked meals, lean on her shoulder and listen to a story, and hear her say good night as I curl up in bed – I guess there are some things I’ll never grow out of.  Thanks Mom!

A week in Costa Rica with my honey and some sweet moments with my mom were the most renewing medicine I could ask for at this point in my life.

these are the days

Today, I’m frustrated.
Frustrated with my kids, mad at my kids.

It’s been a while now that the stresses and responsibilities, worries and moods of life have been building up on my shoulders and weighing me down and I have really been needing some relief and renewal, some moments to exercise, or have uninterrupted conversations with my friends, maybe a date night or best of all, a weekend of spiritual enrichment. And it just seems that every time one of these opportunities arises I can’t take advantage of it because of my kids. Today was the straw that made me break and I know I shouldn’t blame my kids, but I do – it is their fault! It is because of them that I can’t exercise when I need some stress relief or fresh air, it is because of them that I can’t call up or sit down with a fellow female for some conversation, why Ryan and I can’t go out on a whim, why when that special semi-annual weekend rolls around that I can’t sit down and listen to general conference and be spiritually guided and uplifted, it is because of my kids that I can’t! I’ve been let down so many times in the last couple weeks - times when my expectations have risen at the prospect of renewal only to be dashed by the neediness of my children. So I’ve been trying really hard to reconcile all this in my head and while all that I’ve said is true, it is also true that it is because of my kids that I do get so much unplanned exercise and fresh air, it is because of them that I have so much to talk about with some of my favorite women, why dates can be such a welcome and wonderful escape, and why I personally have learned to love my Heavenly Father and Savior so much more and part of why I want to draw nearer to them. It is because of my kids. And while it doesn’t change the fact that they make lots of things in my life harder, they also make life in general more rewarding.

So I’ll just keep relying on the people and the god that I love, I’ll keep learning from my kids, I’ll slam a few doors, shed a few tears, take some deep breaths and enjoy (or endure) this day/moment/stage for what it is, knowing that these are the days that contribute to my character development and that tonight will be an early bedtime and I’ll get my renewal around 8:30pm EST.

...and if you were actually hoping to see some fun photos and captivating tales of what we've been doing (rather than what I've been thinking) don't give up hope, I'll stop philosiphizing some day soon and post about our adventures instead :)

the end of another era

the past few days have held a couple conversations and events that have really solidified this realization in my mind - the begining of summer will be the end of an era for our family, dare i say... my favorite of my life so far.

We will add a third kid to the miller lineup - which is a giant adjustment in itself,
Ryan will NOT be a student - a change we have been counting down and excited for, but at the same time will be a hard lifestyle to let go of,
Ryan will begin the demanding schedule of an orthopedic surgery resident - and if you don't know him like I do you may not realize how seriously he takes this - he is so excited to start focussing completely on the specialty that he has chosen and to learn the skills he needs to become the best surgeon he can become and truth be told, it's just a time consuming process.
Bel is officially signed up for preschool - for me this is a big deal, because she is my first child and this is the first time one of my kids will be away from me for a significant amount of time, plus she'll be in the influence and instruction of someone else and while I trust the her preschool is a safe place, that her teachers are good people and the kids who she'll be with probably won't be awful - it's just the begining of the end...

...the end of my favorite era of life. The simple, stay-at-home, student years during which I have always had one arm and one leg for each child, the time when we have had no schedule except the one we want to create for ourselves, the time when they have loved and relied on mom and dad alone, the years that Ryan had a summer vacation, that sweet window of time when my minature comrades giggle and play and talk together more than they cry and whine and fight, when all my kids agree that mom and dad are the strongest and the smartest and the best, the years that they are our world and we are theirs.

I will miss the ability to pick up my life and transplant it somewhere else for 3 months, I will miss being so needed and adored by my children, I will miss being there for every moment of my kids' lives, I will miss the simplicity of it all and ok, ok, I will miss all the control and power I have over what enters my children's bodies and minds and I will miss them.

Please don't misunderstand this, I am looking forward to so many things about the future - near and far - but I also know what a good thing I have right now and I am hesitant for it to change.

So I just had to take a minute to write down that I noticed this moment of my life, that I love it, I appreciate it, and I will miss it when it trickles away into a different era.

Comrades

com·rade

  [kom-rad, -rid] noun

1.

a person who shares in one's activities, occupation, etc.;companion, associate, or friend.

It's been sometime now that the word comrade has popped into my head upon seeing the shenanigans my two children have been up to. In the past year these two have truly become companions, associates and friends; they share in each other's mischeifs and misfortunes, their successes and failures, they take care of each other, teach each other, fight with each other and love each other. They definitely share in one another's activities - such as...

vegging (ahh how we love the backyardigans),

snacking,
more snacking,
exploring,
taking in the general splendor of mother nature,
expressing love ("flower for you bel" "aww - thanks jacky"),
front porch sittin,
shopping (yes, jack is wearing girls shoes - if bel likes it, so does jack. yes, bel is wearing an adult shirt - i couldn't try on clothes without giving her a piece of the action),
being hot dogs,
more shopping / product testing,
more exploring,
leaf pile jumping - oh the leaf pile jumping,
inventing new comfy lounge locations,
observing heavy machinery,
scenic storytelling,
watching for dad to come home,
sneaking snacks in the storage room,
curling up by the heating vent,
chillin on the stairs,
showing off santa hats,
more vegging,
horse back riding (check out that mighty handsome steed),
playing together no matter the weather.

Watching these two interact and start to love each other has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It gives me hope for the future - hope that they will love and admire each other as I love and admire my own brothers and sister - hope that as life goes on they will be able to fill needs for each other that Ryan and I can't - hope that one more person will love them unconditionally and hope that they will love their new baby sister as much as they love each other.

Yep (in case you haven't heard), we're having a baby! We're getting excited to meet her sometime around July 1.

What can I say? these two have made me love and appreciate children, have been two of my greatest teachers, have showed me that parenting is the best way to become the person you need to be and that having kids is a great excuse to act like one.

And maybe adding a third won't be as hard as I thought, since these little comrades will have each other.