mish mash and a little mush

(just found this draft from a couple months ago - i think i'll keep it for the record)
my phone is often lying around just waiting to become prey to my children.  tonight i was going through my camera roll and found about 20 self portraits of bel, 15 of jack and a 1min 22sec video by sage.  it was pretty awesome.  i often wonder what it would be like to watch our home life from the outside and watching, mostly listening, to that video was a tiny glimpse - it was amazing how much it caught - sage's independent babbling, me nicely nagging and answering questions (two things i do a lot of), bel talking about jewelry and jack being melodramatic when he didn't get his way.  i know i am far more entertained by my children than anyone else, but that is just part of my job description.  so tonight, a little mish mash glimpse into what's been going on lately.


just a couple thoughts...

today as i was pushing all three kids on the swings, i couldn't help but smile - they were all giggling, smiling, happy, completely in their comfort zone - at home, with mom and dad, barefoot in the sunshine.  I spend so much time with my kids in their comfort zone that i often forget the way they act when they are outside of it - i am repeatedly surprised by their behavior around people they don't know well, or places they've never been, my brave, talkative children latch on to me for dear life, not wanting to respond verbally or even acknowledge they've been spoken to.  I can't count how many people have told me what a serious baby Sage is - Serious Sage, one friend of mine calls her.  but at home, she practically smiles on command, she giggles, she babbles, she plays along with our games, she follows us around, never wanting to be still and rarely wanting to be alone.  She is not so serious to us.

Then there is Jack, the boy who never stops talking - he is full of stories and questions and explanations - he talks to me and ryan and bel and sage and strangers (as long as i'm close and he's in the right mood), he lectures me and bel, he screams when he's upset, he even talks when he is exhausted (the trick to get him to sleep is to make him stop moving and stop talking at the same time for a full minute and then he'll be out in a jiffy).  he is a creative self entertainer, who loves to play with water, build things, sneak treats and be in cozy places.

And of course my Bel, I forget how reserved she can be because she is one of my favorite people to talk to in the whole wide world.  She always has been - (pardon my extra details for a moment) - we moved away from our comfort zone, Cache Valley, 3 months after she was born.  I stopped working in an actively social office, hanging out with friends, frequent visits to family, ryan was working long days - there we were - lone companions.  she was often the only person i had to talk to for a long time, months.  And so i did, i talked to her and lucky for me, she learned quickly and she talked back to me.  even with all the words we've exchanged, i can't quite think of the right ones to describe how happy it made me to talk with her from such a young age, and it still does.  she is artistic and detail oriented, a thinker and determined learner, thoughtful and loving, sensitive and sweet.  so (back to the original strain here) when she doesn't talk to others, i am so surprised and a little sad for them, that my ever so articulate daughter is hesitant to speak.  I suppose that is one of the best parts of being a parent (or a spouse or a sibling or a true friend) - you get to know who a person really is, when their guard is down and their personality and thoughts flow from them freely and you get to drink it in - their true genuine self.  it makes me feel so lucky. i am so lucky, so blessed.

at the very top of my list of favorite things about my life right now is story time.  i get very impatient during bedtime prep because it's at the end of the day and my nerves are usually wearing thin and i don't want it to cut into our story time.  because during story time me and bel and jack all cuddle in close and read together.  there is no whining, no arguing, no nagging and for a glorious 20-40 minutes we all just enjoy a good story (and some kinda boring ones, a few stupid ones, a bunch that ryan says, "i could've written that one").  it does so much good for my soul to end the day on that note - it's something that i look forward to every. single. day.

i had a dream...

tonight, it was almost an hour past bedtime - nevertheless - belen, jack and i sat at the table eating our much anticipated dessert of turtle bars and milk.  it was beyond worth it because of the conversation that we had.  it went something like this -
jack said, "last night, i had a dream about dad!"
bel chipped in, "that he played with you all day?"
jack concurred enthusiastically, "ya! and he didn't even have to go to work. ever!"
bel caught the vision, "and he never had to, cuz we just had money, our house was full of like a hundred dollars, just tons of quarters and dollars and stuff"
jack then continued with one of his incredibly detailed and elaborate descriptions of what took place in the dream, (which even when i am fully engaged in listening i still can't quite make sense of - as a side note, i love this trait about him - he is a story teller, there is so much going on in that mind/imagination of his - i'm really looking forward to the day when it starts making a little more sense to my rusty adult imagination).

and in the middle of this excitement and enthusiasm i was so touched that the root of it all was the fantasy of simply playing with their dad - all. day. long.  it's been a busy week, in a busy month, following the pattern of a busy year, with more demanding years ahead - and sometimes, we don't see Ryan as much as we'd like to.  yesterday, bel called him to see if he would be home for dinner - later we got a text estimating 7ish, then throughout the evening the time got pushed later and later and later as more and more cases got added to his schedule.  when he got home at 10:30 - the kids were asleep. he did what he always does when this happens - he went up to see them as they slept.  a few times i've hung back in the shadows and i hear him talk to them in their sleep.  he loves them so much.  i know that he has the same dream that jack had last night - that he gets to play with his kids all day and he doesn't even have to go to work.  (heck, he talks about it all the time - stumbling upon millions of dollars and spending the rest of our lives focussing on giving our kids the most amazing lives ever, dirt biking in the sand dunes, traveling the world, doing service and spending all our time together living a totally unrealistically fun AND productive life) when he came back down to eat dinner, he looked at me and asked, "so do the kids notice when i don't come home? do they miss me when i'm gone?"

i could answer a resounding yes, because they do notice when he's not around, they do miss him when he's gone.  They love him and want to be with him and we have conversations about him all the time.  he's kind of a hero around here, arriving home to happy screams of "daddy!!!" (even Sage lurches in excitement at the sound of his voice or the sight of his face), swooping in to rescue a drained mama, to finish the dishes and steamroll the kiddos into fits of giggles, to be an example of hard work and resilient attitude, endurance of every kind and love in every condition.  he's my hero and theirs - he's the best kind of dream - the kind that is there when you wake up.  and though we miss him, there's always a day off on the horizon.

inquisitive little minds

This evening we were driving to visit Ryan at work, out of the blue Jack asked, "mom how do babies get out of mommies tummies?"

me - "well... mom's have a special hole in their bodies and that's where they come out."

jack - "i know that already mom - where's the hole? that's what i'm wondering."

me - hesitant to get into the details, but remembering that i always want to be honest with my kids, "well... it's actually down by their bums.  what made you think of babies?" (wanting to ward off any more specific questions, but not change the subject too drastically)

jack - "oh i'm just thinkin 'bout stuff back here." 

which he absolutely does - he asks some of the greatest questions and says some really smart, entertaining, original things - i love his mind

off to school

Thursday, September 5 was Bel's first day of school - she's a big kindergartner now.

She was pretty excited for her first day and a little nervous too I think.  It's the first day in her life she didn't want breakfast, although I did eventually get her to agree to a smoothie (pb, banana, spinach - just for the record).

We were all pretty excited and wanted to be sure she didn't miss the bus, so we were outside at 7:15am, as instructed, and there we waited off and on and around the porch for 35 minutes

till we saw the big, yellow, kid snatching, mother heart stealing bus round the corner.

She got on the bus like a champ,

 turned around, gave her mom a big smile

and disappeared.

I think every mom has to confront their emotions at some point as they send their oldest off to school for the first time.  For me it happened days before Bel even left.  One night the kids were in bed, Ryan was working and I was alone - alone with my thoughts and my cleaning.  As I went through the piles of paper i decided it was time to go through the giant stack I had received at back to school night and that's when it hit me - that for 7 hours a day 5 days a week my bel would leave my sight and my home, leave my rules and my control, leave our routine and our company and I wept.  I wept for the time I've wasted and for the time I will miss out on, I wept in frustration that she got the teacher I hoped she wouldn't,  I wept that I will be missing so many firsts, I wept that I will not know what she is doing all the time, I wept because for 5 1/2 years she has been my almost constant companion and because, simply, I will miss her.  And I know, from the mouths of so many parents and grandparents who have told me in the store in moments of happiness, chaos and frustration that... "these years go by so fast" and there they are - gone.  And every morning there she goes - gone.

the last couple weeks have been an adjustment period for us and it's not over yet...  It has been with ups and downs, tears and anxiety that these first 11 days of school have passed.  I was so excited for her, I loved school and Bel loved preschool and i wanted so badly for her to fall in love with school right away, but we don't always get what we want and that's ok.  i think the challenges being thrown her way will be good for her and good for me too.

But Bel isn't the only one off to school this year...
On Tuesday, September 3 Jack had his first day of Preschool.

He's toe tapping excited.

Gosh he's cute. He was feeling pretty independent and brave today.  He had to do all kinds of things by himself, including buckle his backpack - he always asks me to do this for him.

It is the preschool program at the YMCA, where Bel attended last year.  When we dropped off Bel, he asked over and over again, "when is my turn to go to school?" so i signed him up and now it's his turn.

He put his back pack in his cubbie

and into the class room he went, he turned to wave goodbye and Bel's protective, motherly instinct kicked in - watch...

So she helped him find his name tag and pinned it on for him (oh how i loved this moment - they fight and say mean things on a regular basis but above all else they love each other and there's no denying that they are best friends)

then it was time for us to go.  We played outside at the park for a while, then walked by to try to sneak a peek on our boy.  What a treat that the only kid we could see through the small space of visibility was just the kid we wanted to see - coloring away and looking so happy.

I'm pretty proud of these two for heading off to school with such excitement.  Here's hoping they'll continue to be brave and kind Miller kids.

dirt under my nails

tonight after bedtime i went out to the garden to weed.  there are lots of weeds.  they have seriously stifled our carrots, they are as tall as our pepper plants and would make a lovely green carpet if it didn't happen to be where i'd like to see rich brown earth instead.  this garden is one of the most rewarding things i've ever done.
it started as a conversation in the cold of winter, all of us sitting around talking about the coming of spring and what we were going to plant in our garden.  tomatoes are an obvious must, basil it's delicious sandwich companion, peas are both scrumptious and sentimental to ryan, bell peppers to make gramma karen's pastrami sandwiches, a jalapeno plant to make mandy's turkey burgers, zucchini for summer succotash, exotic broccoli and colorful carrots from carolyn and green beans just because.  we plotted, we planned, we prepared, we tilled

and one warm day in may, we planted - bel in planting seeds in her swim suit,

jack building a railroad track with the tomato stakes, sage snacking in her walker, ryan finding every possible free space to plant more peas

and me loving every minute of the warm dirt under my bare feet, surrounded by the people i love.

a few short days later jack noticed our first pea sprouts,

he's frequently wandering outside during/after breakfast and one day he ran in yelling, "our food is growing!" the green beans were quick to follow, then the broccoli and i'm still not convinced that our hesitant carrots will ever make it to the table.

the garden has brought us together, maybe only for a few minutes at a time, but it's always time well spent.  we often gather outside by the garden, looking for our first red tomatoes (trying (and failing) to beat the birds to them), surveying the growth of our plants, watching them change, getting excited by the progress.  and such is life - we are planted here to grow, to change and to progress.
my favorite conversation sparked by the garden was from bel - "mom, how do they make seeds?" we talked about how we don't make seeds, plants make their own seeds.  I love this element of God's plan, a crucial detail in his creation - that every living thing carry a seed within itself. so brilliant.
today we had sun and rain, so tonight as i weeded everything was extra fresh, I could smell the tomato vine as i worked, more and more dirt collecting under my nails, and then a rabbit hopped past me, right through my backyard, it paused for a moment next to me (no doubt taking note of the green tomatoes it will come back to steal later) and then it was off again.  as i sit down to write this the fireflies are out and our backyard feels like my own personal paradise.  there are popsicle sticks strewn about, and plastic cups, unplanted herbs (still in the flat), toys scattered around the yard and a garden that is still populated with grass and weeds along with the vegetables, it's not ready for a magazine shoot of paradise, but i love it with all my heart.  it captures the good in my life, it reminds me of the people that live here, play here, visit here, and work here.  it is a reminder that though God gives us many gifts, those gifts require work.  it is through work that we grow and change and progress - as we work we learn and develop self worth and find joy.  our garden is not eden, our garden grows weeds and we will definitely gather this food by the sweat of our brow.  so it's a good thing, to have a little dirt under my nails.

a few things i want to remember

it's nothing short of a miracle that i am finally getting my act together enough to finally put some thoughts down on the blog.  here's hoping that my next break won't be quite so long.

tonight i've been going through photos of the last year.  we are just 20 days shy of Sage being a member of our family for 1 year.  It's been quite a year and there are a few things I'd like to remember.

First, this little gem.

I remember the feeling of this moment so well.  This was taken the day before I was going to be induced to bring Sage into this world.  We were about to end a month of time off with Ryan.  It was a blissful month of family time, filled with lazy mornings, fire pit evenings, mario playing in the heat of the day and just hanging out together doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted - it was pretty amazing.  The next day would bring a new baby and the start of a demanding 5 year residency program for Ryan and the drastic reduction of our time spent together as a family.  It was the end of much anticipation to meet our girl and the relief that Ryan was about to begin his training for a job that he loves but wasn't always so sure he'd have the chance to do - we were in a moment of great emotion, the flood gates ready to burst, on the precipice of great change - and here i found myself snuggled up on the trampoline with every member of my little 4 person family, a common and exceedingly pleasant phenomenon that had happened many times in the last month, it brought me so much peace, and it felt so good, and so right, and yet i knew it was the last time it would be this way - it was a moment i wanted to last forever and at the same time couldn't wait for it to end.  I think we all felt a little like this - ready to burst.

My last pregnant supper, before the hard work of child birth.  yum - i love this meal.

and the next morning we were off.

i felt a little numb to all my emotions for the first few hours of the day and then, once the numbness wore off, my emotions hit me - the dam burst (the afore mentioned flood gates) and there i was, sitting on a hospital bed small talking with my nurse one moment and shaking with sobs the next - totally freaked out my nurse, but Ryan knew what was going on.  i was so grateful to have him there - truly my better half, my source of confidence in times of doubt and fear.  then a few tears and pushes and crazy moments later - there was Sage in all her fresh from heaven, messy, bluish, covered in bodily substances glory.

and i was so glad she was here.  i must be getting older, because i thought a little harder about the whole circle of life this time around, and i appreciated the experience a lot more and there were a lot more emotions.  i did a lot of this...

 
and this...

and this...

 and this...

 and so did ryan.

 we were happy she made the journey to mortality safely.

our bright eyed Sage

 even gramma karen got one of those tender moments.

this was a real tender moment for me too - watching my mom holding sage, a lot of it was just that my mom was there.  this was at the end of my second day in the hospital.  i had been in that little room all day, with my new baby in a plastic box they call a bassinet, my husband back to work, my older kids and my mom having fun without me, and the solitude was great for the hour that i got to take a long shower, but then i just got lonely and i wanted to be home.  and that's when ryan took the kids and my mom came to visit.  if you can't be at home, then being with someone you love is the next best thing.  I know i've said it before, but i have to say it again... there are just some things that only a mom can do.  and it still surprises me sometimes how much i still need my mom.  i'm feeling quite like an adult lately - i'm 30 years old for cryin out loud, i'm married with 3 children, i've been living away from my parent's home for a decade(ish) and yet, when my mom walked in that little florescent lit room, with its institutional furniture and sterile smell, i felt rescued by her presence - the sound of her uneven gate, her smell, her conversation - it was like a breath of fresh air to me.  and as i watched my mom, who has lived through and experienced much, hold my fresh baby who was so fragile and new in every way - i felt so blessed to be right in the middle of the timeline between these two strong spirits, following the example of one, in hopes of teaching and nurturing the other.  but really the line goes both ways, we all need each other no matter where we are in the process.

It was so interesting to see the way Belen and Jack welcomed Sage.  Jack was completely fascinated by her, while Bel's wariness was almost tangible.  

Bel moved in slowly and deliberately, taking her time to think over this new family member and the changes she was causing.  Over the last year Bel's slow and steady adjustment phase has created a solid foundation of love and she has become a fiercely loyal, dedicated, involved and protective older sister.  She is always looking out for Sage's best interest- sharing toys, making faces at her to cheer her up in the car, climbing in her crib to play with her when she wakes up and i am busy doing other things, blocking her from her brother's oblivious toddler violence.  I almost never have to ask Bel to help me with Sage because she just does it on her own.  When Jack met Sage, he was hooked, couldn't get enough of her, always wanting to touch her, hold her, sit next to her, watch her.  It was such a genuine fascination and pure delight in meeting his new baby sister and an absolute thrill to see as a parent.  Over the last year, the novelty has worn off for Jack and he has accepted Sage as a worthy and vital part of our family.  When his older, stronger, wrestle/play buddy is not around Jack and Sage have had some fun interactive moments - playing with cars or dinosaurs, chasing each other and playing hide and seek, and even cuddling - they have a promising friendship ahead.  

With Bel, there were a lot of times like this.

She would slide into where Sage was and just sit or lay next to her.

And with Jack, there were a lot of times like this.  

He just wanted to be involved with her, be where she was, "help" me feed her or put her to sleep.

I always love seeing Ryan put our new babies into the car seat for the first time.

He does everything so gently and so intentionally, finely balancing their need for safety with their fragility.  This so encompasses him as a father.  He takes his responsibility to protect and to provide so seriously, but he does it with such loving care - being a father is not just his role, it is his pleasure.  he loves his children with sincerity and depth, thinking on their basic needs, and always seeking for their happiness.  all that from a little seat belt buckling.

the future looks pretty bright from here... and that's something i want to remember too